Scene Two
Kosher Leprechaun,
Wednesday evening.
Lights come up on the stage and a section of the bar in the nightclub. Sean is doing some stand-up comedy as he introduces the Glama performers.
SEAN
Good evening, folks, and welcome to the Kosher Leprechaun. If you're new here, you're probably wondering why I call a nightclub the Kosher Leprechaun. Well, my name is Sean Steinberg. My father is a wonderful man of the Hebrew persuasion, and he married a charming Irish girl. They’re the perfect Irish-Jewish couple: My mother likes to drink. My father hates to pay for it. So what could be more appropriate than the Kosher Leprechaun?
One of the great things about an Irish-Jewish nightclub is that we can celebrate all sorts of holidays. Of course, on Yom Kippur we try to atone for all the partying we did on St. Patrick's Day. And right after Passover, the Easter Rabbi leaves brightly-colored eggs and chocolate bar mitzvahs. But we’ve even made up a few holidays of our own: Erin-go-braugh-shashanah: that's a great holiday; if your name is Erin, you have to go bra-less that day. Leprechaun-ukkah: both the Catholics and the Jews light candles and give gifts until every merchant has a pot of gold. And then there’s Christ-mas-eltov, which means 'good luck getting a parking place at the mall'.
Today is Wednesday, and, as usual, we are pleased to introduce a few entertainers that we call the "Glama Tours Amateurs". You Glama folks stay at a hotel that has a complimentary turn-down service. I usually have to spend 200 bucks on dinner and a show before I get turned down. But you folks get those little mints on your pillow every night. We know who you are; we can smell the chocolate mint on your breath. You’ll need to have at least two drinks if you want to hide that telltale odor. The alcohol will make you smell just like a local.
We're going to start off the show with one of the most bizarre and funniest parody skits I've ever seen. Let's give it up for Don Richards and "Lard Wars."
Sean exits the stage area, which is bare except for a ramp or some risers making the upstage area higher than downstage. The 'Star Wars' theme music starts playing. Sign-holders pick up the signs, tilt them, and walk upstage (then offstage) as the Narrator reads.
NARRATOR
Long ago in galaxy far, far wider than our own... LARD WARS
Episode Ate: The Death Starch
Obesity is really widespread. The galaxy is filled with 60 Billion overweight people (of course those are round figures). The Empire is trying to put everyone on a diet. They’ve tried before: saccharine, Sweatin’-to-the-Oldies, and (of course) Imperial margarine.
But now Imperial forces under the command of Lard Evader plan to feed the ponderous rebels its newest weapon: Starch Blockers. Princess Leia Cake, a rebel sympathizer, has stolen the formula for the Starch Blockers.
If rebel scientists can analyze the formula, an antidote might be developed. But Evader has nearly caught up with the Princess as she flees the Imperial flagship.
On the rebel ship
Enter Princess Leia and R2D-fruity. Leia is putting something into the robot. She speaks furtively.
LEIA
Take this message to Obese-One Kenobi. Make sure he gets the formula for the Imperial death starch. He’s our only chance now.
Leia looks offstage.
LEIA (continues)
Oh no, someone’s coming. Quick, R2, get going.
Leia shoves the robot toward the wings just as Lard Evader enters from the opposite side of the stage and grabs Leia’s arm.
EVADER
All right, Princess, where is the formula?
LEIA
Well, Lard Evader, I might have known it was you when I smelled the Slim Fast. Get your skinny hands off me.
EVADER
Hand over those plans.
LEIA
What plans? I’m on a diplomatic mission.
EVADER
Not true. You have "rebel spy" written all over you.
LEIA
I thought it said "Goodyear".
EVADER
You’re a fool! I would put an end to you...
Evader looks at her backside.
EVADER (continues)
...BUT you’ve beaten me to it. When I get through with you, you’ll wish that your parents had practiced birth control.
Evader drags Leia offstage.
LEIA
Better 'birth control' than 'girth control', Licorice Stick. Your kind make me thick to my stomach.
NARRATOR
The little droid, R2D-fruity teams up with the daring young Luke Skywaddler. Together they find Obese-One Kenobi on the dessert (oops, that’s desert) planet.
Inside Kenobi’s home
Luke and Kenobi stand at opposite sides of a table. The table has a custard pie and big silver fork on it.
LUKE
The princess is in trouble. We’ve got to save her, but not on an empty stomach. First, a delicious custard pie.
Luke grabs a fistful of pie and stuffs it messily into his mouth (and face).
KENOBI
No, Luke, not like that!
LUKE
Huh?
Kenobi raises a large silver fork with a black handle.
KENOBI
Luke, use ...the Fork!
LUKE
The fork?
Luke finishes eating his handful of pie and towels himself clean.
KENOBI
The fork is the most powerful tool in all of gluttony. With the fork, a Red-Eye knight can eat anything. Your father was a Red-Eye knight. He never slept. He was too busy eating. Luke, your father wanted you to have this.
Kenobi pulls a can of Redi-wip from his pocket and hands it to Luke.
LUKE
What is it? A weapon?
KENOBI
Yes, it’s a Red-Eye whip. Press that button (but only when going into battle) and a fluffy white whip forms at the end.
LUKE
Tell me about my father.
KENOBI
Ahhh, he was a Big man ...with a heart of cholesterol, but Lard Evader killed him.
LUKE
With the fork?
KENOBI
No, he gagged him with a spoon. You see, Evader was once a Red-Eye, too, until he was seduced by the dark side of the Fork.
Kenobi holds up the fork so that the handle is up.
LUKE
But no one could eat anything with that side of the fork.
KENOBI
Exactly! Well, we’d better get going.
LUKE
We can use my hover car.
Kenobi looks offstage toward the car, then sizes up the combined weight of Luke and himself.
KENOBI
Both of us? ...in that car?
LUKE
You’re right. Let’s take the bus.
NARRATOR
Luke and Kenobi set out to find a fearless man with a fast starship. Naturally, they start their search in a sleazy cantina.
Inside the cantina
Luke, Kenobi, Han and Chewfasta take center stage. Kenobi introduces Luke to Han.
KENOBI
This is Han Sandwich. He has a ship that can get us out of here fast.
LUKE
But he has such a shady background.
HAN
You cast a pretty big shadow yourself, Kid.
LUKE
Who is that?
Luke points to Chewfasta.
HAN
That is Chewfasta. He’s a Cookie.
LUKE
He looks like a ferret with a thyroid problem.
CHEWFASTA
Arrrooo Nnerrr Brrreh Baaahh, Butthead.
HAN
It’s not wise to upset a Cookie. Cookies have been known to dunk people in milk and eat them alive. [Aside to Luke] And this one has a chocolate chip on his shoulder.
KENOBI
Enough! How much will it cost to get us out of this place?
HAN
It’ll cost plenty. It’ll take half the fuel on this planet to lift you two tubs into orbit. Let’s say ...twenty thousand.
KENOBI
Twenty thousand? A ridiculous figure! [aside to the audience] Not the only one in this show. [to Han] It’s a deal. Let’s go.
NARRATOR
And so they set off across the galaxy to save the Princess who is wasting away in a jail cell on the Imperial flagship.
Inside the Imperial flagship.
Leia is banging a tin cup against the bars of the prison door. She shouts for the prison guards.
LEIA
Hey, when’s suppertime in this hole? I haven’t eaten in (what?) [checks wrist watch] 20 minutes. I’m not on a hunger strike, you know.
Leia makes a little mock banging of her head with the heel of her hand. She realizes that she has a cinnamon roll on her hair. She removes it and starts to eat it.
LUKE
[Calling] Princess, Princess, where are you?
LEIA
[Calling back] Luke, you’re getting warmer.
LUKE
Ha! Luke warm! Outta my way, Kid. I’m gonna blast the door down.
Han pushes in front of Luke. Shoots pop gun at jail cell. Door falls open. Leia steps in front of bars and asks Han...
LEIA
Who are you?
HAN
My name is Sandwich.
LEIA
You’re my hero, Sandwich. What took you so long?
HAN
We got caught in the garbage dump. Luckily we had Chewfasta with us. He ate all the garbage.
CHEWFASTA
Aaarrrggghh rrrooaarr rrraarrgghh
LEIA
What did he say?
HAN
Oh, that was just his stomach growling. He’s hungry again.
LEIA
Okay, so what’s the plan?
HAN
Let’s split up.
LEIA
We haven’t even been on our first date, and you want to split up!?!
Luke steps in and takes Leia’s arm like at an old-fashioned dance.
LUKE
Don't worry, Leia. He and Chewie can go back through the garbage dump. You and I can take the romantic way across the bottomless chasm.
Everyone exits.
NARRATOR
Elsewhere on the Imperial flagship.
Somewhere on the flagship.
Evader senses the presence of his old mentor.
EVADER
Obese-One Kenobi is here somewhere. I can feel the vibrations in the fork ...and in the floor, and the walls, and everywhere.
Kenobi enters warily with his Red-Eye whip in hand. Evader recognizes him.
EVADER (continues)
And so we meet in battle. I will win easily. How can I miss a target like you?
Evader raises his Red-Eye whip can and shoves a 3-foot white fluffy stick out from the end of the can.
KENOBI
Let me get my Red-Eye whip.
EVADER
A little limp, don’t you think, Kenobi? Is that why you’ve never had children?
KENOBI
I’m twice the man you are.
EVADER
In volume perhaps. Now, prepare to die.
Kenobi raises a hand to delay Evader until he has said his little speech.
KENOBI
If you strike me down, I’ll become fatter than you can possibly imagine. My molecules will spread throughout the universe.
Kenobi holds his Red-Eye whip in both hands, against his chest, and awaits the crushing blow from Evader. Evader wields his Red-Eye whip up into a round-house swing to cut right through Kenobi’s torso. As the whip reaches Kenobi, lighting effects flash and Kenobi pivots back behind the leg (or other screen) just behind and upstage of where he was hit. As Kenobi disappears behind the leg, an accomplice off stage releases one or more large (untied) balloons that sputter and scatter across the stage (hopefully). He then drops a karate gi on the floor where Kenobi was previously standing. Evader picks up the garment, shrugs, and exits.
Somewhere else on the flagship.
Luke and Leia run in with Luke in the lead. He stops abruptly near center stage to avoid falling in the chasm that crosses their path. She bumps into him and almost knocks him over the edge.
LEIA
Whoa. That was a close call. That nearly scared 20 pounds off my life.
LUKE
They’re still behind us, and there’s no bridge across this chasm. We’ll have to swing across.
He takes a rope and grappling hook (imaginary) from his belt. He swings the hook a few times and throws it up at a structure above them. He tests the rope.
LEIA
Whatever you say, Chubbo. I’d kiss you if I could get within three feet of you.
Leia is barely able to get her arms around his neck.
LUKE
Ready? Here we go-o-o-o.
They pretend to swing across, but they don’t make it all the way. They swing back and forth until they dangle over the chasm.
LEIA
Oh no. We missed the other side. Now the rope is probably going to break.
LUKE
I don’t care. It doesn’t matter anyway. I can barely hold on. Why don’t you let go, and maybe I can get a better grip.
LEIA
No way, Fatso. I’m hangin’ in there.
NARRATOR
Will our heroes get over the chasm? Will they get over the sarcasm? Will the rope break? Will they fall and squash someone?
Blackout.
NARRATOR (continues)
Be sure to join us next time when we find our friends on the ice planet Hoth Fudge Sundae.
Ice planet Hoth Fudge Sundae.
Lights come up revealing Luke, Leia, and Han against a white backdrop.
HAN
The Empire is attacking. We have to get off this giant ice cream sundae!
LUKE
Sunday? It’s only Tuesday now. Can we stop for dinner?
HAN
You don't seem to get the picture, Turkey.
LEIA
Turkey sounds good to me.
HAN
Listen, the Empire’s attacking. We’ve got to go now.
LEIA
You want us to go out there? It's 90 degrees below zero out there, and that doesn't even consider the Wind Chill factor.
Blackout. Everyone exits.
NARRATOR
Join us for the next exciting episode of Lard Wars, and until then, may the Fork be with you.
Sign holders hustle in from the wings with 'LARD WARS' signs and walk them upstage as Luke and Evader exit. 'Star Wars' music up and out. The 'Lard Wars' actors stumble in for a quick, disorganized curtain call. Sean comes back to the nightclub’s stage and introduces the next act.
SEAN
Wow, that was terrific! I laughed so hard, I cried. Did you notice that George Lucas was in the audience? He’s way ahead of the rest of us. He just skipped the laughing part and went straight to the crying. I guess he couldn’t stay for the whole skit. He ran off to the men’s room. Maybe it’s because we don’t have air-sick bags at the tables like Glama does on their bus. You get the air-sick bags in coach, but if you travel first class, I guess they bring the lavatory to you. Whoa! Why am I talking about this? I’m sorry I brought it up -- so to speak. Let’s turn to an infinitely more pleasant subject. We are indeed fortunate to have a very beautiful and talented young lady to sing for us tonight. This is her West Coast debut. So... Madonna, Christina, Britney --watch out! Here comes Miss Kelli Klee!
Sean exits the stage area and Kelli enters enthusiastically as the introduction music begins for "
Come and Get It".
KELLI
Come on, Baby, I just don't get it!
I'm open'd up, and I'm gonna let it
Happen tonight, 'cuz it feels so right,
So come and get it!
You know, Baby, I still don't get it.
A call from me and I would have bet it
Any old day, would send you my way,
So come and get it!
You know that ecstasy is mine to give.
You won't get a better offer for as long as you live.
I’m yours, Baby, so just don’t sweat it.
Now come with me, and you won’t regret it
I’ll make you feel so totally real.
Just come and get it!
Deep in the heart of me you should be long-
ing to find a kind o’ heaven that can never be wrong.
Come on, Baby, I just don't get it!
I'm open'd up, and I'm gonna let it
Happen tonight, 'cuz it feels so right,
So come, come, come...
So come and get it!
After applause dies down a bit and Sean makes his way to the stage area, Marcy speaks her thoughts to no one in particular.
SEAN
Ladies and gentlemen, Kelli Klee! I’ll bet she could do soft drink commercials just as good as Britney or Paula. [calling to Kelli offstage] Hey, Kelli, would you perform here again exactly two years from tonight? [to the nightclub audience] That’s the only way I can get really big stars to the Kosher Leprechaun: sign them up before they’re world famous.
[to the band offstage] I don’t want any of you guys in the band buying her a drink. She and I have to talk business later, and at least one of us has to be sober.
Here’s an interesting side note about that song, "Come and Get It". My first wife said that was 'our song'. It must have been. For years after our divorce, whenever I made any money at all, she would 'come and get it'.
You know the first thing that strikes a visitor to Los Angeles is usually a car. Well, our next performer is a wonderful lady with a strikingly beautiful voice. Let’s have a warm welcome for Mrs. Myra Clark.
Lights fade out.
Continue to Act II, Scene 3
Copyright © 2003 William Armstrong
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