Celeb Schlepping at JFK |
List of Plays |
A Comedy Sketch by William Armstrong |
A couple of people are standing in an airport check-in line at New York's JFK airport. Apparently, the line stretches offstage for a long distance. The Local New Yorker is at the end of the line as Sherlock Holmes enters and walks up behind the Local. Holmes wears his deerstalker cap, smokes a calabash pipe, and carries a violin case. Holmes wears an adhesive "My name is" tag with "Sherlock Holmes" hand written on it in black marker. From time to time the line may move ahead slowly, and people may come to stand at the end of the line after Tut.
HOLMES
Is this the queue for those awaiting an airport security screening?
LOCAL
How did you deduce that one, Sherlock?
HOLMES
Elementary, I traced this queue of people from those peculiar doorways to its terminus here near the luggage check-in... [suddenly realizing something] Say, how did you know my name was Sherlock?
LOCAL
[laced with sarcasm] Mmm, let's see. There's the deerstalker cap, the calabash pipe (in a non-smoking area), the violin, and... the nametag that says "Hello, My Name Is Sherlock Holmes."
Holmes looks down at the tag on his chest.
HOLMES
Oh, that! Silly me! I've just come from a convention of criminologists.
LOCAL
[mocking Holmes's pedantic speech] "a convention of criminologists" -- you mean a meetin' of defectives.
HOLMES
Detectives.
LOCAL
[sarcastic] Yeah, right. Didn't your mother ever tell you not to talk to strangers? Here comes another weird o. Talk to him a while, Buddy.
HOLMES
My goodness, you've forgotten my name already.
LOCAL
[to no one in particular] I was right: Defective.
Local turns away as King Tut enters wearing sandals, a pharaoh's headdress, and a towel (with "Howard Johnson" printed across it) wrapped around his waist. He is holding an ankh in one hand and a scepter in the other. They are crossed across his chest.
HOLMES
[to Tut] You look like you're from the Middle East.
LOCAL
[over shoulder to Tut] Middle Easterners aren't real popular these days. One step out of line and they'll toss you in the Federal pen for 50 years.
TUT
That's nothing compared to how long I was locked up in Egypt.
HOLMES
You've got a criminal record? They'll throw the book at you!
TUT
The Book of the Dead?
LOCAL
Worse! You'll get life.
TUT
I've been searching for life for 3000 years.
LOCAL
So you came to the Big Apple to 'get a life'?
TUT
I've mostly been in the underworld.
LOCAL
Oh! Headed for Chicago.
TUT
Las Vegas. I'm staying at the Luxor.
Holmes removes a nit from Tut's chest and examines it.
HOLMES
I'd have guessed the Sands.
Holmes tosses the nit away.
LOCAL
So, where are ya from?
TUT
Memphis.
LOCAL
That's where the king is from.
TUT
I am the king!
LOCAL
I'm talking about Elvis.
TUT
King Elvis? What dynasty was that?
LOCAL
Naw, he wasn't on Dynasty. You're thinking of John Forsythe.
TUT
I'm from the Valley of the Kings.
LOCAL
Oh, a valley guy. I mean, like totally, you know, for sure.
TUT
My mummy warned me not to talk to strangers.
LOCAL
You're no stranger to me. I read all about you in People Magazine or something. You built all of those pyramids.
TUT
That wasn't me. That was another pharaoh, Khufu. Everybody called him Cuckoo behind his back. I met him in the afterlife. He was still working some kind of pyramid scheme. [secretive] But I'll tell you a secret: You know those pyramids? The aliens did all the work.
LOCAL
Aliens? You mean from another planet?
TUT
No, I'm talking about illegal aliens - from Canaan. All of the Egyptians were "union". The Hebrew slaves did good work for a fraction of the cost. I heard that the Hebrews wrote down all of their stories. Did they write down the one about the cyanide tablets?
LOCAL
Cyanide tablets?
TUT
You know, Moses brings the tablets down from Mount Cyanide.
LOCAL
Yeah, they made a movie and everything.
TUT
What's a movie?
LOCAL
It's a motion picture - where the pictures move.
TUT
My father had one of those in his tomb. If a grave robber comes in and triggers the trap, a huge block falls out of the ceiling and crushes him. Hieroglyphics ...loweroglyphics.
LOCAL
Now I remember. You're King Tut. You were the only pharaoh who never had any grave robbers.
TUT
Oh, yeah? What do you call Howard Carter?
Holmes examines the back of Tut's skull with his magnifying glass.
HOLMES
You were smashed in the head.
TUT
No, I was sober in the bedroom. Somebody hit me!
HOLMES
Did you have the culprits arrested?
TUT
I didn't have any say in the matter. It was "mummify do and mummify don't". In fact, I went for thirty-three hundred years without saying a word. And when I did start talking, everything came out as little pictures - until... I met a woman who helped me learn other languages. Her name was Stone, Rosetta Stone.
HOLMES
I can't believe you're that old. You don't look a day over 3000.
TUT
I'm well preserved. They call me the boy king. I see your name is "Semloh Kcolrehs".
HOLMES
That's Sherlock Holmes.
TUT
Sorry, I read right to left. In my language you would be pictured as a jackal who walks like a man carrying a calabash pipe in a non-smoking zone.
Suddenly Holmes sees something of great interest off in a distance.
HOLMES
Zounds! That man is Moriarty. He's my arch nemesis. Save my place whilst I apprehend the villain.
LOCAL
No way, no saving places in line.
TUT
It is morally wrong to save someone's place in line.
HOLMES
Who are you to talk about morality? You who covers his loins with a purloined towel from Howard Johnson's!
TUT
Would you rather I take it off?
LOCAL and HOLMES together
NO!
HOLMES
I must capture that scoundrel Moriarty, even if it means losing my place in this queue.
Holmes runs off.
LOCAL
You know you'll never make it through the metal detectors. What is this stuff, anyway?
Local reaches over to touch Tut's gold headdress, but Tut slaps his hand with the ankh or scepter crossed across his chest.
TUT
I've never had any trouble getting through Security. I'm willing to travel in the baggage section.
LOCAL
Well, then, you should be in that other line.
TUT
What? And give up my place here?! I've found that every time I change to a different line, it becomes the slowest.
Holmes returns.
HOLMES
I was mistaken. I could have sworn it was Moriarty, but she said her name was Hillary Clinton. The game is afoot!
LOCAL
Well, take your "afoot", and every other part of your anatomy back to the end of the line.
TUT
[rapping] I'm a pharaoh divine. Now I'm gonna remind you to get your behind to the end of the line.
LOCAL
Are you a Rapper?
TUT
Yeah, after I died, I was really into wrapping.
LOCAL and HOLMES together
Argh!
LOCAL
Who wrote this skit? Somebody in high school?
HOLMES
Elementary.
LOCAL
Get out of here or I'll call the security guard.
HOLMES
I'd welcome a chance to plead my case to a member of the constabulary.
LOCAL
[shouting to someone off stage] Hey, officer this guy's trying to butt into line.
Officer enters and addresses Holmes.
OFFICER
Let me see some ID.
Holmes hands him a business card.
OFFICER (continues)
Sherlock Holmes? It sounds like some California housing development. Say, aren't you the guy from all those defective stories?
HOLMES
Detective!
OFFICER
Whatever. Are you butting into this line?
HOLMES
No, officer, I was simply resuming my place in this queue after attempting to apprehend a criminal.
OFFICER
Criminal? Who?
HOLMES
Hillary Clinton.
OFFICER
Aw, she's a senator. Criminals in congress have immunity. So leave the police work to the police.
HOLMES
Are you from Scotland Yard?
OFFICER
I'm from Manhattan. Nobody has a yard. Now, this airport doesn't allow anybody to save places in line. Besides, you're a fictional character. You should be in that line over there.
HOLMES
There's a different queue for fictional characters?
OFFICER
Yeah, and it goes a lot faster because fictional characters can't carry real guns or bombs. ...and everybody knows your ID's are phony, so who cares?
LOCAL
Wait a minute, officer, are you saying that there's a special express line for fictional characters?
OFFICER
That's right.
LOCAL
Well, since all of us are in this skit, aren't we all fictional characters?
OFFICER
Come to think of it...
Local and Holmes rush offstage to the line for fictional characters. Officer says to Tut...
OFFICER (continues)
Why don't you switch, too?
TUT
I'm used to waiting, besides -- years ago I had my brains sucked out through my nose.
Blackout. End of sketch.
Copyright © 2007 William Armstrong
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