Busting Lucifer |
List of Plays |
A Comedy in One Act by William Armstrong |
Scene One
Lights up. We see a receptionist demon, Retep, seated at a desk in front of the gates to Hell. Arching over the gate is a sign that reads "Abandon All Hope Ye Who Enter Here". A bright red light is shining into the audience. Noah enters from the back of the audience. Noah carries a hand-basket with a paper in it.
RETEP
Just walk into the light.
NOAH
But it's so red. I thought that when you died, the light was supposed to be white.
RETEP
Oh, that's just the sunset.
NOAH
But it's only ten o'clock in the morning.
RETEP
It's still morning in your time zone, but here it's late afternoon. Just walk into the light.
Noah stumbles out of the audience onto the stage. The red light that was shining in his eyes finally fades out. Retep beckons Noah forward and then consults a stack of papers.
RETEP (continued)
Very good. Welcome to eternity. You must be... Mr. Vail, Noah Vail. Ha, ha. "No avail", it kind of describes your life, doesn't it? Well, here, fill out these forms.
Retep hands Noah a stack of forms. Noah notices the hand-basket.
NOAH
Where am I? ...and why am I carrying this hand-basket? This isn't Heaven! I don't belong here. There's been some mistake.
RETEP
You're right about that, Noah. A grave mistake - and you're the one who made it.
Retep presses a button on the desk and Noah is zapped with a lightning bolt.
RETEP (continued)
In fact, according to your profile, you made several real humdingers. Everyone who comes to these gates gets exactly what he deserves. Are you questioning the judgment of your God? Tsk, tsk. "Pride goeth before a fall." And I know just the pit for you fall in.
NOAH
Wait. Isn't that a quote from the Bible? Are you allowed to read the Bible here?
RETEP
Sure, you're free to read the Bible, the Torah, the Koran, for all the good it'll do you. If you can find a Bible around here, you'll see that it's heavily abridged. Most of the New Testament's gone, along with all of the parts where the Boss loses. In our version Sodom and Gomorrah are destroyed because they have too many righteous people.
NOAH
Really? How many?
RETEP
A Lot. I don't know the exact number, but a Lot. They kept all the parts about suffering, bondage, sinning, that sort of stuff. The Easter story is there, but it ends at the crucifixion. The message is: God loves you, and He's going to watch you burn here for eternity. No hope down here.
Retep points to the sign over the arch without looking at it. Noah reads it.
NOAH
Didn't Dante say it was "All hope abandon", not "Abandon all hope"?
RETEP
Probably. The Maintenance staff repaints it every century or so. They change it around sometimes. Just be thankful it isn't in Latin anymore. It would be more appropriate though, wouldn't it? A dead language. [laughs at the thought]
NOAH
Is it okay to pray down here?
RETEP
Ha! It's a little late for that, isn't it? You're welcome to pray if you want to, but the guy upstairs can't hear you down here.
NOAH
I thought God was all-powerful.
RETEP
It's some sort of agreement that he and Satan made a long time ago. Hey, the upside is that you can swear all you want, and no one will care. And down here you can smoke all you like. In fact, we'll see that you smoke whether you like it or not.
Noah shakes his head and looks back at the forms. He points to one of the questions.
NOAH
I don't understand this question on form... sixty-one thirty-seven H.
RETEP
It doesn't matter. No one's going to read those forms anyway.
Retep points at a map as she explains Noah's fate.
RETEP (continued)
Now, you've been assigned to work here at the dung works, and you'll be housed over at Sulfur Springs. The commute is a real bear, but you'll carpool with four other guys. One of the guys has a Ford Fiesta - no air conditioning, of course.
NOAH
Is it always this hot down here?
RETEP
It's hot as.... Well, you'll see that it gets even hotter the closer you get to the furnace, but - it's a dry heat. We generate so much heat that we dump some of the excess in the Sahara Desert, Phoenix, and Palmdale in the summer. But all year round we have enough extra heat to run all those hot-air hand dryers in public restrooms.
NOAH
Oh, man, I knew the devil was behind those things. They take five times longer than a paper towel. They always stop before your hands are dry. They're noisy, and they're too low.
RETEP
Aw, pipe down. This ain't the complaint department. People are dying to get in here. I don't need your griping.
Noah notices a paper he's had in his hand-basket since he arrived. He hands it to Retep.
NOAH
I don't know where I got this, but here's the report of my autopsy.
RETEP
Hmm, what's your health insurance?
NOAH
I, uh, think it expired when I died.
RETEP
Hey, lighten up! That was a joke. We don't care how you lived or how you died. You're here now. That's all that counts. We're an Equal Opportunity tormentor.
NOAH
So, how does this place work?
RETEP
Like the devil. We all work like the devil, but I wouldn't want to give away all of the details. Half the fun is discovering it for yourself.
NOAH
One more question: When you're mad at someone down here, where do you tell people to go?
RETEP
You can tell them to go to Blaze's - that's a karaoke bar over in Brimstone Estates. It's really torture on Tuesdays when they have two-for-one drink night. And you can tell 'em to go to the devil, but he's pretty busy and rarely sees anyone but his closest associates.
Lights fade out on the entrance to Hell. End of scene one.
Scene Two
Lights up on Filker's lab. Filker is wearing a white lab coat and is sitting on a stool at a laboratory bench examining a device and some notes. Lucre rushes in, very excited.
LUCRE
Filker! Aren't you smart enough to keep your mouth shut? You really put the "hell" in "helper" this time. There's no way in Hell that I'm gonna take the fall for your pinheaded idea. When you get "fired" in this place, you really get fired. I don't know what you wrote in that memo to the Big Guy - I don't want to know - but he's on his way to see you right now.
FILKER
The devil you say! Satan doesn't make personal visits to underlings like me. He doesn't even meet with bosses like you.
Lucre looks offstage then back at Filker. She's even more agitated.
LUCRE
Speak of the devil.... You're on your own, Filker. I'm going to Blaze's and sing the blues one last time before we're assigned to the furnace room.
Lucre exits the other side of the stage at a heated run. Satan enters and crosses purposefully to a nervous Filker. Satan grabs Filker's lab coat and hustles him over to a flaming pit.
SATAN
Come over here by the fiery pit of doom, Flincher. Let's discuss this break-through of yours.
FILKER
Well, sir, I've come up with a way so that you can listen in on people's prayers.
SATAN
I hate prayers! Is that all you have for me?
Satan dangles Filker over the flaming pit.
FILKER
But sir, with this power you'll know people's innermost thoughts. You can focus your tormenting exactly on their weakness, or you can give them what they want - and they'll worship you more than they ever did the other guy. Remember the old saying: "All prayers are answered. The answer is usually 'No'."
SATAN
So I can recruit millions of loyal followers by homing in on their fears and selfish desires. In fact, I can look like God Himself. I'll be able to twist the pious believer into a devil worshipper.... And they won't even have to run for political office. Hmm, I like it. It would be like having my own telephone company. I could call it "PrayTel".
FILKER
[feeble laugh] Yes, sir. Very funny.
SATAN
Okay, what do you need to make it work?
FILKER
We'll need receiving stations set up on Earth with relays down to listening stations here.
SATAN
I'm not going to let you go up there. I don't trust you to come back.
Satan again dangles Filker over the fiery pit.
FILKER
Oh no, of course not, Your Evilness. I could never be trusted, but I know you have demons who could arrange for someone to set up the equipment. And there's one other thing: I need someone who recently crossed over.
SATAN
Crossed under.
Yes sir. I'll need a telecommunications expert who can write computer programs to screen and record important prayers.
SATAN
Aw, most of the programmers go to Limbo. They can't come here or go to Heaven because they've never had a "life". And it would have to be a Unix programmer because the programs they write are called "demons". [maniacal laugh]
FILKER
I see a whole new industry popping up. I see thousands, millions of unemployed souls put to work like operators at a telethon - listening to people's most intimate secrets.
SATAN
Hmm, I don't have very many agents on earth... except for the used car salesmen. How do I cash in on all those disgusting prayers?
FILKER
Well, uh, there's e-mail. We can spam each person with individualized messages that seem to solve their problems but that lead nowhere.
SATAN
We're already doing that, but I can think of a few more dirty tricks we could try. Well done, Faker.
Satan dangles Filker over the flames again and then pulls him back.
SATAN (continued)
Get it? Well done. [laughs] I'll have the Devil's advocates (Burns, Wickham, and Payne) draw up a contract.
FILKER
Why do we need a contract?
SATAN
We don't. But binding souls with a contract is just so much more fun than slavery. Besides, I've got a million lawyers and not one ambulance to chase. Well, I've enjoyed this little "Fireside Chat" of ours, haven't you?
FILKER
Oh yes, Your Wickedness, I'm all fired up about it.
Blackout on Filker's lab. End of scene two.
Scene Three
Lights up on Retep's desk. Noah enters through the archway to Hell.
NOAH
The pit boss over at the Dung Works said that you needed to see me.
RETEP
Ah, yes, Noavail. You lucky stiff! You're being assigned to Lucifer Research Labs. I don't know how you rate such a cushy job, but enjoy it while you can. Your housing is being relocated to Birnam Woods. I think you'll like your new digs.
NOAH
Am I gonna research ways to make dung burn longer?
RETEP
Nope, the Big Boss wants you to work on some special project.
NOAH
Can't you give me any more information than that?
RETEP
It's top secret. If they told you, they'd have to shoot you. As it turns out, they'll probably shoot you before they tell you. Report to a guy named Filker down in lab 42A.
Retep hands Noah a slip of paper with the directions on it. As Noah turns to go...
RETEP (continued)
Oh! ...and, uh, if you're a smart little devil, you'll wash off all the "duty" before you report for duty. You smell like a truckload of used Pampers.
Fade out. End of scene three.
Scene Four
Filker's Lab. Lucre stands nervously in the lab. Filker enters escorting Noah to the laboratory bench.
NOAH
I don't believe my eyes. Wasn't that a real-live, flesh-and-blood skeleton we just passed?
FILKER
Yes, that's Cinderblock. She was a supermodel who died of anorexia. Now she's a skeleton, skinny as a wraith, and she never wears a stitch of clothing. She's a good soul. She deserves better.
LUCRE
Ahem.
FILKER
Oh, let me introduce my widow, Lucre. She's my boss and my mentor.
LUCRE
Tormentor.
FILKER
That, too.
NOAH
You mean you work with your wife?
FILKER
Yep. It's not really "till death do us part". I know a woman over in the Census Bureau (Helen Highwater is her name) who works with a husband and two ex-husbands and all their wives and ex-wives. Plus, they all share the same apartment. Day before yesterday she just couldn't take it anymore, and she ran away.
LUCRE
Where's Helen gone?
FILKER
Beats me.
NOAH
What about the police?
FILKER
Sometimes they beat me, too.
NOAH
No, I mean: will the police catch her and take her back.
LUCRE
They'll definitely catch her. And they'll have a big trial - they love trials down here - And punishment is always cruel but not unusual. After that, she'll come to her Census Bureau again.
NOAH
Am I a demon now?
LUCRE
Hell, no. You're like me and Filker, here. You're just a lost soul. The demons are Satan's personal minions. Avoid them if you can, especially the horny ones.
Lucre puts her index fingers up at the side of her head to show what she means by "horny". Noah notices a picture of Satan on the wall.
NOAH
Is this the Prince of Darkness himself?
LUCRE
Yeah, that's a picture of Satan on the dock of the bay.
FILKER
[referring to Lucre] She's not just a punisher; she's a pun-issuer.
NOAH
The Devil and the deep blue sea. I'll try not to come between them.
FILKER
Before we get down to work, would you like a devilled egg, some devilled ham, or devil's food cake?
LUCRE
It's Sheol-food.
NOAH
No thanks, I'm watching my cholesterol, salt, and calories. Oh, what the hell?
Noah takes eats a morsel of food.
NOAH (continued)
The devil made me do it. Hey, dees are good.
Noah seems surprised to see a telephone.
NOAH (continued)
What's this, a telephone?
Noah touches the red telephone receiver but pulls his hand back as if he has just touched a hot stove.
LUCRE
A hot line.
FILKER
Satan had it installed so he could threaten me every now and then until this project is complete.
NOAH
Well, I'll tell you one thing: these computers are pretty old.
FILKER
We get the equipment that ends up on the bone yard. We got these as hand-me-downs that the public schools didn't want. It turns out that you don't get a tax deduction for donating computers to the devil.
NOAH
Really? I know an accountant who would give it a try.
FILKER
Well, shall we get down to work? What you're about to see is Top Secret.
Filker puts a document on the bench.
NOAH
There are hardly any letters on this page.
LUCRE
I know. It's I's only.
FILKER
We're developing a system to eavesdrop on people's prayers.
NOAH
I thought prayers were useless down here.
FILKER
That's right. I'm talking about prayers up on earth. We'll set up listening stations so that Satan can hear people's innermost thoughts. The first thing I need from you is a suggestion of how to disguise the listening stations - these little boxes here.
Filker points at the document.
NOAH
Does it use radio frequencies?
FILKER
No, it works on ethereal energy. Nobody up on earth knows anything about it. They won't detect us, but we don't want them investigating the boxes either.
NOAH
If I understand your specifications, the receivers should be up high and spaced evenly through the land. I'd say that the perfect place to hide them is disguised as cell phone relays ...which are, of course, disguised as trees.
FILKER
Hidden in plain sight. If you think that will work, it sounds good to me.
NOAH
What does this thing do?
Noah points at the document.
FILKER
Oh, that? It's, uh, for future expansion. An add-on I thought might enhance the system someday after everything's implemented.
Fade out. End of scene four.
Scene Five
Filker's lab. Satan, Lucre, and Noah stand watching Filker as he fiddles with a device on his work bench. Headphones and a monitor are attached to the device.
FILKER
Well, sir, we still have some bugs to work out, but we're ready for a demon-stration of your new Prayer Interception System (P-I-S for short).
SATAN
Okay, okay, let's hear it.
FILKER
You can see better if you get behind me, Satan.
Filker tunes the device. A child's voice is heard on the monitor.
CHILD'S VOICE
Dear God, please bless Mommy and step-daddy and my real daddy in Ohio and my goldfish, Jumpsprout. And please make Tommy stop pulling my hair....
Satan turns down the volume.
SATAN
Where is that coming from?
FILKER
East Orange, New Jersey.
SATAN
Jersey?! That's just a stone's throw from here. Can't you pick up something farther away?
FILKER
How about Sheldrake, Nebraska?
SATAN
Never heard of it.
FILKER
I'll tune it in.
Filker fiddles with the machine, listening to headphones so that none of the others hear. He grins and then switches on the monitor.
SULTRY WOMAN'S VOICE
I shouldn't be telling you this, but I'm really hot right now. I can't seem to control my urges. I just want to wrap my legs...
Satan switches the monitor off and grabs the headphones. He has a lewd grin as he listens.
SATAN
Flunker, copy that to tape or whatever. I want to listen to that tonight before bed. I'm beginning to like this. It gives a whole new meaning to the phrase "preying on people".
Satan exits.
LUCRE
Don't tell me that last one was a prayer.
FILKER
Actually, it was one of those "girls-just-want-to-have-fun" 900 numbers. The first one was a real prayer, but I figured it wasn't what he wanted to hear. Anyway, he's happy for now, and the system does work.
NOAH
Okay, the beta testing is over. When I worked at Microsoft, we'd release version 1.0 and wait for the trouble tickets to come in. Let's celebrate. Lucre, what do you say we go to your office and listen to the rest of that woman's call?
LUCRE
I try to resist your advances, but it's to no avail.
Noah and Lucre exit. Filker puts his head in his hand as if in pain. Then Filker recovers, looks around to be sure no one is watching, and brings out a shoebox from its hiding place. Filker removes a microphone from the box and attaches it to his device. Filker looks around again, makes some last minute adjustments, and kneels as he speaks into the microphone.
FILKER
Almighty God, I pray that you can hear me. I ask you please to have mercy on me and the other lost souls. I believe that you love us and would never forsake us. Please deliver us from this evil. I pray that you can hear me, even in this unholy place.
Noah enters just as Filker finishes.
NOAH
I just saw Cinderblock, the skeleton, only now she has skin and everything. She's fleshed out very nicely. Very nicely. But she still doesn't have any clothes, and you can tell that she's cold, if you know what I mean?
Noah realizes that Filker was kneeling and that something strange is going on.
NOAH (continued)
Hey, what's going on here? What are you doing with a microphone? We're supposed to be listening to prayers, not saying them. Ooo, Filker, you are in trouble. It's that little "future enhancement" you put in the relay boxes, isn't it? I'm calling Satan.
Noah fumbles with the hot line as he remembers how hot it is, but he grabs it anyway and listens for an answer. Filker tries to stop him, but Noah puts himself between Filker and the phone.
NOAH (continued)
Wouldn't you know it? I got a recording. But you haven't got a prayer, Filker. I'm gonna rat on you, and you're going down.
Noah runs out. Filker shutters as if he is having a chill. Then he goes back to praying in the microphone.
FILKER
Well, Lord, this is it. You're the only hope I have.
Satan bursts into the lab with Lucre and Noah shuffling at his hooves.
SATAN
Shut down this equipment immediately, and...
Satan slaps Filker's face lightly like a bully patronizing his victim before resorting to violence.
SATAN (continued)
...see that my friend Flicka here does triple shifts tossing dung into the furnaces for the rest of eternity. What's wrong with the vent-hell-ation? I'm getting a chill. The furnaces need tending. Now jump!
Lucre jumps in immediate reaction to Satan's command. On the way up, Lucre asks...
LUCRE
How high?
SATAN
That's more like it.
Blackout. End of scene five.
Scene Six
Gates to Hell. Filker stumbles, dazed, through the gate to Hell. Retep is nowhere to be seen. Instead, a woman in a flowing white robe (Grace) stands ready to meet Filker.
FILKER
Wow, a minute ago I was being carried off to the furnace room for eternity. Now I'm standing here with ...you.
Filker notices Grace for first time. He casts his eyes down.
GRACE
Do you know who I am?
FILKER
"I am"?
GRACE
That's right, but please call me Grace. And you are Phil Kerr, Phillip B. Kerr. Here's your green card. You're free to enter Heaven.
Grace hands Filker a green card.
FILKER
Thank you, Lord, er, Lady - uh, Your Majesty. I'm sorry. I didn't realize you were a woman.
GRACE
Sometimes I take the form of a woman, sometimes a man. On the seventh day, when I'm just relaxing, I usually do the "burning bush" thing. It's comfortable; I don't need a lamp if I want to read; and I don't get those unsightly lap wrinkles that way.
FILKER
I heard that Cinderblock isn't a skeleton anymore. Did you restore her? Is she escaping, too?
GRACE
Cynthia Bloch: yes, she's already crossed over. I'm taking quite a few of your fellow inmates this time.
FILKER
What about my wife, Lulu? Can she come with us?
GRACE
It isn't her time yet, Phil, but she has hope for the future. Everyone down here who finds out about this raid will know that it is possible to get out.
FILKER
What about the prayer machine? Should I leave it or destroy it?
GRACE
Don't concern yourself about anything that has happened in the past. I've got it covered. Why don't you run along now? The Pearly Gates are just across the way there. Have a great day.
FILKER
A great day? That means a lot coming from you. I know how long your 'days' are.
Filker exits. Grace sits on the edge of Retep's desk and waits a moment as if expecting Satan to arrive. Satan rushes through the gate like a bat out of hell. He sees Grace and stops.
SATAN
You! I knew you were here when somebody said it was a cold day. ...and then all hell broke loose.
GRACE
I knew you were going to say that.
Grace takes a closer look at Satan.
GRACE (continued)
There's something different about you. There's a mark on your jaw 'n' 3/16ths of an inch long, exactly.
SATAN
It's nothing, just an old nick, an old scratch.
GRACE
Well, I thought it was time to right some wrongs, so I've been raising a little h...
SATAN
[interrupting] I demand compensation for the souls you took! You've got to give me my due.
GRACE
Your due? You have an endless supply of 'do' down in the dung works.
SATAN
So you take what you want and leave me with dung? I suppose you took that rotten little Filbert character ...because if you didn't, he's toast.
GRACE
He's the toast of Heaven today. I only stayed around to point something out to you. There's something wrong with that arch, Fiend.
Grace points to the sign over the gate to Hell.
GRACE (continued)
That sign is false advertising. No one should abandon hope.
SATAN
So sue me! [cynical laugh] Oh, I forgot. You don't have any lawyers.
Satan laughs maniacally but stops abruptly as Grace waves her hand.
GRACE
Put a sock in it, Fall Boy, or I'll revoke your 1,000 years' reign. Here, take a dose of Heavenly joy before I go.
Grace gestures again, and Satan gets a warm, honest smile. Satan breathes deeply, obviously joyful about everything everywhere. Grace exits. Satan returns to his old self.
SATAN
[shouting after Grace] I hate when you do that.
Satan sulks back into Hell whistling Amazing Grace as he goes. He slaps himself when he recognizes the song.
SATAN (continued)
[to himself] Stop it.
He continues to whistle as he sulks away. Fade out. End of play.
Copyright © 2003 William Armstrong
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