Losing Patients |
List of Plays |
A Comedy Sketch by William Armstrong |
Lights up. We see a hospital bed where a male patient is modestly trying to hold his gown together. A nurse enters with a clipboard.
NURSE
I don't have any of your medical records, so there are several questions I need to ask. What's your weight?
PATIENT
Six - Three.
NURSE
Height?
PATIENT
200 pounds.
NURSE
Maybe we should try the cardiovascular history. Do you have any family history of heart disease?
PATIENT
Yes, one of my sisters. But she's more related to me than I am to her. I'm her only brother, but I have two sisters. Maybe that makes me a half-brother to each of them.
NURSE
Most likely. Any heart surgery?
PATIENT
In high school I performed some heart surgery, but nothing since then.
NURSE
Stroke?
Patient grins lewdly and raises/lowers his eyebrows.
PATIENT
What did you have in mind?
NURSE
High blood pressure?
PATIENT
High enough. I woke up without a chalk mark around my body this morning. That's always a good sign.
NURSE
That's a matter of opinion. Pacemaker?
PATIENT
I try to be a trendsetter. I was the first person to have a tattoo inside my nose.
NURSE
[bored] Really?
PATIENT
Yeah, it's a dinosaur - one of those big ones. I can't remember the name.
NURSE
Okay, you have a dinosaur in your nose. Bronchitis?
PATIENT
That's it! That's the name of the dinosaur.
NURSE
Ass-thma?
PATIENT
I beg your pardon?!
NURSE
Ass-thma. Do you have any shortness of breath?
PATIENT
Only when I'm slugged in the stomach.
NURSE
Do you get slugged in the stomach a lot?
PATIENT
You wouldn't believe how often I get slugged in the stomach.
NURSE
Oh, I think I'd believe it. Do you smoke?
PATIENT
Hardly at all.
NURSE
How much?
PATIENT
Six or seven packs a day.
NURSE
You're a chain smoker!
PATIENT
No, mostly camels.
NURSE
Cough?
Patient coughs once as if responding to a command.
NURSE (continues)
I meant, "Do you have a cough?"
Patient has a long fit of coughing, hacking, and wheezing.
PATIENT
No.
NURSE
Any pneumonia?
PATIENT
Nope, same old 'monia.
NURSE
Any valley fever or tuberculosis?
PATIENT
Valley fever? Like, for sure. I mean, like, totally valley fever. It's tubular-culosis.
NURSE
What do you take for it?
PATIENT
What's your best offer?
NURSE
Any headaches or migraines?
PATIENT
Well, last St. Patrick's Day I went out drinking and woke up with a my-green headache.
NURSE
Any tingling or numbness? ...besides your head, I mean.
PATIENT
Yes, sometimes I have a tingling numbness.
NURSE
You're probably in love. Have you had any seizures?
PATIENT
Last week the repo guy took back my car.
NURSE
Abdominal pain?
PATIENT
It's pretty bad, but it's not abominable.
NURSE
Nausea, vomiting?
PATIENT
Nope.
NURSE
You're just a carrier, is that it? Any GI problems?
PATIENT
Not since I was discharged from the army.
NURSE
I meant, "Gastrointestinal."
Patient shakes his head.
PATIENT
Castro's in Cuba - has been ever since I can remember.
NURSE
Does your stomach hurt?
PATIENT
Only...
PATIENT and NURSE together
...when I/you get slugged in the stomach.
NURSE
Do you have any diarrhea or constipation?
PATIENT
Yes. Both at the same time. Montezuma's Blockade.
NURSE
Any problem with incontinence?
PATIENT
No, I'm still competent. I can sign my own contracts with a sound mind.
NURSE
A sound mind? I wish there were no sound, so I couldn't hear it. I said incontinence. Do you wear any diapers?
Patient shrugs.
PATIENT
Depends.
NURSE
Do you have any difficulty swallowing?
PATIENT
Only my daughter's excuses when she stays out too late.
NURSE
Reflux?
PATIENT
I don't think I ever had "flux" in the first place, let alone reflux.
NURSE
Arthritis?
PATIENT
Arthritis? No, my cousin Arthur never writes us, but he calls collect all the time.
NURSE
Back problems?
PATIENT
No, it's usually when he needs money.
NURSE
Do you have any prosthesis?
PATIENT
ProsTHesis?
NURSE
That's what I THaid.
PATIENT
I have a wooden leg... but I have a real foot.
NURSE
How did you lose your leg?
PATIENT
I was engaged, and my fiancée broke it off.
NURSE
Bleeding problems?
PATIENT
No, no problem bleeding.
NURSE
Cancer?
PATIENT
Sagittarius.
NURSE
Chemical dependency?
PATIENT
What kind of crack is that?
Nurse notes on clipboard form.
NURSE
Crack.
PATIENT
Wait a minute! I don't do drugs. I even tell them not to put that white powder on my French toast at I-HOP.
NURSE
Are you sure you don't take drugs?
PATIENT
I didn't take any of your drugs. I don't even know where you keep 'em.
NURSE
Are you a diabetic?
PATIENT
Is that like a compulsive gambler?
NURSE
No, it's where you have to use insulin to lower your blood sugar.
PATIENT
Oh, no. In fact, I use out-sulin to raise my blood sugar.
NURSE
Do you have any kidney problems?
PATIENT
Well, now that you mention it, I noticed on an X-ray that my kidneys are shaped like swimming pools.
NURSE
That's appropriate for a dip. Hepatitis?
PATIENT
I'm hep! I don't have a tight a-
NURSE
[interrupting] Do you have any urinary problems?
PATIENT
Heck no! You know how some guys can write their name in the snow? Well, I can write all of Western Literature.
Nurse looks skeptical.
PATIENT (continues)
Well, at least Moby Dick.
NURSE
You're not pregnant, are you? [mild laugh]
PATIENT
Don't laugh. We have a history of pregnancies in our family going back as far as anyone can remember.
NURSE
Are you allergic to any medications?
PATIENT
I'm not sure. There are still 3 or 4 I haven't tried yet.
NURSE
I see you have male pattern baldness.
PATIENT
I'm having a "bad hair decade". My son calls it a reverse Mohawk.
NURSE
Are you on any blood thinners?
PATIENT
Yes, the Dr. Atkins blood diet. No one wants fat blood. I lost two and a half pounds of hemoglobin just since Monday.
Nurse nods. Nurse puts down her clipboard in mild disgust.
NURSE
I don't get paid enough to do this!
PATIENT
Man, I don't get paid at all to do this.
NURSE
Why are you here?
PATIENT
I think we're put on this earth to love and help one another, but who really knows?
NURSE
Why are you here at the hospital today?
PATIENT
Oh - I'm delivering a load of bedpans.
Blackout. End of Play.
Copyright © 2003 William Armstrong
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