Do You Know Why I Pulled You Over? |
List of Plays |
A Comedy Sketch by William Armstrong |
Highway patrol cop stands next to driver's window as if about to issue a ticket. Driver is seated behind the wheel of the car.
COP
Do you know why I pulled you over?
DRIVER
To fill your ticket quota?
We hear a "buzz" like a buzzer on an alarm system. Every time we hear this buzz, the actors do the last couple of lines again, changing something to make the scene more acceptable.
COP
Do you know why I pulled you over?
DRIVER
Wait, wait, I've heard this one.... [thinks for a moment] Sorry, I can't remember the punch line.
Buzz
DRIVER
To ask directions to the nearest donut shop?
Buzz
DRIVER
To explain to me that most cops are straight despite the reputation perpetrated by the Village People.
Buzz
DRIVER
One of my taillights is out? Both of my taillights? I'm missing the entire back of my car? No, your officerness, I can't for the life sentence of me figure out why you'd pull me over.
COP
You were going pretty fast back there.
DRIVER
I'm driving a fastback.
Buzz
DRIVER
Well, I'm not moving now, so it evens out.
Buzz
DRIVER
My radar detector must be broken.
Buzz
DRIVER
I knew you'd be waiting, so I got here as fast as I could.
Buzz
DRIVER
I figured it was okay. I saw a sign that said, "Fine for speeding".
COP
The sign means that you'll pay a fine if you speed.
DRIVER
Well, it's pretty hard to work out all possible interpretations of a sign when you're going 85 miles per hour in a residential zone.
Buzz
DRIVER
No hablo ingeles.
Buzz
DRIVER
I'm not so good with English. My native language is COBOL.
COP
It's not just the speeding. Didn't you see that stop sign?
DRIVER
You mean that red thing?
Buzz
DRIVER
Oh, I saw the stop sign, officer. It was you I didn't see.
Buzz
DRIVER
I thought that Proposition 93 made stop signs optional in California.
Buzz
DRIVER
There's no stop sign at this intersection.
COP
It was three blocks back. Why didn't you pull over when I first turned on the lights?
DRIVER
I thought I could out-run you.
Buzz
DRIVER
Is that what you meant by those flashing blue lights? I thought you were a K-mart special.
Buzz
DRIVER
First you want me to see a stop sign in front; now I'm supposed to see lights behind me! Make up your mind.
Buzz
DRIVER
I never look in my rearview mirrors because I'm afraid that objects are closer than they appear to be.
COP
I turned on the siren, too, but you probably didn't hear it with that Crap music playing so loud.
DRIVER
That's "Rap" music. The "C" is silent. It's a great song about a cop killer.
Buzz
DRIVER
I was lost in a fantasy about Justin Timberlake [Britney Spears, if driver is a man].
Buzz
DRIVER
I was listening to Lawrence Welk.
COP
Let me see your license and registration.
We hear a steam whistle like the kind used to announce quitting time at a factory. Cop closes up the ticket book and prepares to quit for the day.
COP
That's the whistle. It's quitting time for me.
DRIVER
Well, don't let me keep you.
Driver looks very happy until another officer enters and slaps the first cop's hand like a tag-team wrestler. First cop exits, and second cop picks up where the first left off.
COP
Let me see your license and registration.
DRIVER
[impersonating a police radio] [burst of static] One Adam-12, One Adam-12. Two eleven in progress at Seven Eleven on the corner of Seventh and Eleventh.
Cop continues to look at driver with ruthless sobriety.
DRIVER continues)
[normal voice] Didn't you hear the radio? It sounds like an important call.
Buzz
COP
License and registration please.
Driver slowly swings a pocket watch on its chain and talks in a soothing hypnotic voice.
DRIVER
I wonder what time it is. Can you read it for me? I'm having a hard time staying awake. Getting sleepy ...sleepy.
COP
It's ten to one.
DRIVER
Twelve fifty?
COP
No, ten to one -- the odds against you gettin' outta this ticket. License and registration please.
Driver draws a gun, brandishes it menacingly, and pulls the trigger. A little flag with the word "bang" on it pops out. Driver smiles sheepishly. Cop draws a gun, points at driver, and pulls the trigger. A flag reading "Not funny" pops out.
Buzz
Driver reaches into a wallet and hands over a couple of $20 bills.
COP
These are two twenty dollar bills. Are you trying to bribe an officer of the law?
DRIVER
Is it working?
Buzz
DRIVER
A natural mistake, officer. The photo on my license looks a lot like Andrew Jackson.
Driver takes back the money, reaches for the glove box, and hands over a couple of papers.
COP
What are trying to pull? This is a software license and registration for Microsoft Works.
DRIVER
Microsoft Works? Not very often.
Buzz
COP
This license photo looks like it's been tampered with.
DRIVER
The picture was taken right after my face had been tampered with.
We hear a steam whistle like the kind used to announce quitting time at a factory. Another driver hustles in from the wings and tags the driver. The first driver exits as the second driver replaces the first.
COP
This license photo looks like it's been tampered with.
DRIVER
I couldn't afford plastic surgery, so I had a guy touch up all my pictures.
Buzz
DRIVER
My name is Dorian Gray.
COP
You must be a lawyer.
DRIVER
You must be a-kidding!
Buzz
DRIVER
Oh, and you're probably going to tell me that some lawyer ruined your life, took all your money, stuck you with huge alimony payments, and repeatedly humiliated you in court. Is that it? Well, not all lawyers are twisted parasites. 99% of all lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Buzz
COP
You must be a lawyer.
DRIVER
[indignantly] A lawyer?! What an insult! There's no need to be abusive, officer. I didn't call you a scum-sucking pig or a filthy puppet of corrupt authority. But you suggest that I am a conscienceless bottom-feeding dirt bag of a lawyer! [in a matter-of-fact manner] How did you know?
COP
You have a legal pad on the seat.
DRIVER
Oh, that's not a legal pad.
COP
Ah, then you have an illegal pad! Are you carrying any other illegal items?
DRIVER
Search me.
Cop makes a notation in his records.
COP
[to himself] Driver requested a full body-cavity search. [to Driver] I'm going to search this car for drugs.
DRIVER
That's not fair. Police ought to buy their drugs from pushers like everyone else.
Buzz
DRIVER
As long as you don't look in the armrest, it's okay with me.
Buzz
DRIVER
Of course, officer, just let me swallow this balloon first.
Cop snatches a packet from driver's hand as driver moves it toward his/her mouth.
COP
What's this? Man, you've got it all: cocaine, marijuana, and one of those mattress tags you're not supposed to tear off.
DRIVER
Now, wait a minute! I have a permit to carry those mattress tags.
COP
What about the drugs?
DRIVER
This is the last time I'll ever borrow a car from Robert Downey, Jr.
Buzz
DRIVER
I thought they were condiments.
Cop has Driver get out of the car.
COP
Get out of the car. You're under arrest. You have the right to remain silent, although somehow I doubt that you will. Anything you say will be misquoted against you.
DRIVER
Where are you taking me?
COP
To the precinct station, of course.
DRIVER
Oh, no, today's newspaper headlines said, "Police station toilet stolen - Cops have nothing to go on".
Blackout. End of sketch.
Copyright © 2004 William Armstrong
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