Fair Retail (scenes 1 - 4) |
List of Plays |
A Family Comedy in One Act by William Armstrong |
Scene One
Royal court of King Kudos. Kudos looks worried as he examines a map and paces in thought. Princess Harmony sits nearby quietly working on embroidery.
KING
[to a page offstage] Send for my guru.
VOICE 1
Call for the King's guru.
VOICE 2 (more distant)
Call for the king guru.
VOICE 3 (more distant still)
Call for the kangaroo.
KING
Harmony, dear, why don't you run along and do whatever princesses do while I discuss politics with the Baron?
HARMONY
If it's alright with you, Father, I'd like to stay. I see how worried you are. Maybe there's something I could do to help. Baron Mind has a fine mind, but my mind might find ideas that Baron Mind didn't bear in mind.
King pats Harmony's hand tenderly and smiles.
KING
Perhaps you should stay. One of the things I want to discuss concerns finding a husband for you.
Advisor enters obsequiously and speaks.
ADVISOR
How may I serve Your Majesty?
He bows deeply and his toupee flops forward (still attached at the front). He straightens and puts it back in place.
KING
I'm concerned about hair ...heir ...concerned about an heir to the throne. But first, what is the latest news?
ADVISOR
Would you like weather and sports, too?
KING
No, just the front page stories. And maybe the funny papers later.
ADVISOR
Sire, I'm afraid the news is grim.
KING
Like the fairy tales?
ADVISOR
Almost as bad. This just in... Our neighboring kingdom of Yenmark is torn by civil war. The checks, the kurds, and the slobs are fighting again. The bad checks have bounced off and formed their own Check Republic. The kurds are going their own whey. And the slobs are just letting them do it.
KING
What happened to their king? King Udderode?
ADVISOR
He and his wife Imelda just got out of the country with their lives ...and about 5,000 pairs of her shoes, to boot.
KING
This is disturbing. One by one, the kingdoms are becoming republics. That's a bad trend for kings, right?
ADVISOR
Definitely, Your Majesty. But you have one very strong advantage: Your heir is the beautiful Princess Harmony. The whole kingdom loves Her Highness.
KING
She is getting tall, isn't she? But who is there for her to marry? Costa Fortuna is the only other monarchy left on the continent. We really ought to form an alliance with them, but their whole royal family seems to be controlled by that evil witch, Krona. Harmony's problem is that there isn't any royalty left for her to marry.
ADVISOR
What about that count from Cashmir?
KING
Count Urfit? He's a phony. No, the only real prince is King Lira's son Juan.
HARMONY
Oh, Father, please don't make me marry him. I wonder what woman would want to wed Juan. No alliance would be worth a lifetime of torture married to him.
KING
No, of course not, dear. But I'm convinced that Krona has some evil scheme brewing. If she doesn't win our kingdom by marriage, she'll come up with another, less peaceful, way to rule Domania. A war with Costa Fortuna would cost a fortune.
ADVISOR
There is more bad news, sire. In local news, right here in Domania... The soldiers you sent to White Castle have failed to kill the ogre or drive him from your land. The peasants have fled in fear from the surrounding fields and village.
KING
Let's see. A fearsome ogre has stolen a third of my kingdom. The only suitor royal enough for my daughter is a slimy schemer controlled by an evil witch. And my shoes are too tight. Well, what do we do about these problems?
ADVISOR
I have an idea. What if you wore larger shoes?
KING
Good idea! Why don't you walk a mile in my shoes, and maybe they'll stretch out? Now, what about the other things? What about the ogre and my daughter?
ADVISOR
Oh, I don't think Princess Harmony would be happy married to an ogre. Besides, I think he's too tall for her.
KING
No, no! I mean: How do we rid ourselves of the ogre, and how do we find a proper husband for Harmony?
HARMONY
Perhaps we can solve both problems at the same time. Father, where do kings come from?
KING
Oh dear, hasn't your mother had that little talk with you yet?
HARMONY
Father! I'm talking about the first king in a royal line. How did the first king in our family stop being an ordinary man and become a king?
KING
He fought a great battle, drove the bad guys off the land, and promised to protect the people from other villains.
HARMONY
Exactly! So, we don't need to find a prince. We need to make a prince. Find a man who can drive this ogre out of Domania and declare him to be a prince. Give him White Castle and its lands. Then give him my hand in marriage.
ADVISOR
A splendid idea, Your Highness! Promote from within - that's what all good leaders do. We wouldn't need an alliance with Costa Fortuna. Anyone powerful enough to defeat the ogre would make an enemy think twice about attacking Domania.
KING
You're overlooking one problem. How do we know there is anyone strong enough to overcome this monster?
ADVISOR
Have no fear, Your Majesty. Many young men in Domania would die for the chance to marry the princess.
KING
I'm sure they can die, but can they succeed?
ADVISOR
I think it's worth a try.
King looks questioningly at Harmony. She nods her agreement.
KING
[to a page offstage] Prepare for a royal proclamation!
VOICE 1
Prepare for a royal proclamation!
VOICE 2 (more distant)
Prepare for a broiled proclamation!
VOICE 3 (still more distant)
Repair for a boiled broccoli nation!
KING
Well, I've made a lot of important decisions today. I deserve a rest. Baron, can we go over those comic strips now?
Fade out as Advisor starts to act out the comic strip cartoons and Harmony returns to her needlework.
Scene Two
Guilderand's Emporium and Adjacent Town Square.
Mark is standing in the shop's doorway looking out at the town square. Penny is busy arranging merchandise. There are no customers in the shop.
MARK
Penny, what do you suppose is keeping people away from the shop today?
PENNY
It might be your face, brother dear.
MARK
Do you think that Sam's Discount Bazaar is taking all our customers?
PENNY
I doubt it, Mark. It's probably just the fact that you're blocking the doorway.
MARK
Look. I'm an automatic door - no magic necessary - I move when I see a customer coming.
Mark demonstrates how he can pivot like a door and then goes back to blocking the doorway.
PENNY
And if they see you, they move in the other direction.
MARK
Hey, I think the town crier is coming.
PENNY
He wouldn't cry so much if he'd stop reading the news all the time.
Penny picks up a brown-bag lunch and goes to the doorway. She nudges next to Mark so she can see the town square. The Crier enters with a proclamation. Standing next to the Crier is Princess Harmony. The townspeople pay eager attention to the announcement. Mark stares at Harmony, lost in dreamy love. Harmony smiles back at him.
CRIER
Hear ye! Hear ye! His Royal Majesty, King Kudos, proclaims that the ogre who has seized White Castle must be removed from our land or even removed from life itself. The King enlists the help of his loyal subjects in ridding his kingdom of this vile monster and returning White Castle and its lands to Domania. The King decrees that any man who removes said ogre from Domania will win the hand of Princess Harmony in marriage. No purchase necessary. Void where prohibited.
The Crier hands some applications to a child in the crowd and motions for the child to hand out the papers. The child distributes the forms as Mark and Penny talk.
MARK
I can smell her perfume from here. Isn't that sensational?!
PENNY
I think that's my lunch you're smelling.
Mark breaks his dreamy staring and looks at Penny with disgust.
MARK
Yes, I can also smell your lunch, and I'll thank you to take it away while I'm smelling my princess.
PENNY
If you marry the princess, I guess I'll have to call you "Prince".
Mark resumes ogling Harmony.
MARK
Just because I marry a princess doesn't make me a prince.
PENNY
Good, because I had a dog named Prince, and I'd have a hard time calling you by the same name ...especially since the dog turned out to be a girl. We changed her name to "The dog formerly known as Prince".
The child gives Mark a copy of the contest entry form. Harmony nods pleasantly to Mark as she follows the Crier out of the square. The crowd disperses.
MARK
Wow! This is unbelievable! I never thought I'd have a chance to marry the princess.
PENNY
What makes you think you have any chance now? All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't drive this ogre away. Do you think he'll just run off when he sees your face? I was just kidding about you driving the customers away.
MARK
Sis, I have been in love with Princess Harmony since the first moment I saw her, but I thought she could only marry royalty - some prince from a far off country. Now, a humble merchant from Domania, an ordinary man like me, can win her hand.
PENNY
You could also get killed. I saw an ogre wrestle a dragon once at the fair. The dragon wound up looking like a pretzel in the end. And to get to the castle you'll have to go through the enchanted forest of Holly Woods. Some pretty weird characters live in there, from what I hear.
MARK
You're right. I could never fight an ogre, but maybe I could make a deal with him. I'm a pretty good salesman. Maybe I could convince him that he needs a big house in Costa Fortuna with a spectacular view of the Curran Sea. Anyway, I've got to try. If I don't, someone else will win my princess.
PENNY
If you're determined to do this, I wish you the best. While you're filling out that entry form, I'll start putting together a backpack for your journey.
Mark smiles and puts plume to paper.
MARK
Mark Guilderand, ten-forty Peso Place. What's an e-mail address? [pause] Oh, they must mean chain mail.
Fade out as Mark works on the form and Penny gathers food and gear.
Scene Three
Lira Palace interior.
Juan Lira lounges on a chair playing a hand-held video game. We hear appropriate sounds. Juan drinks from a beer stein now and then. A hand mirror is face down on a table nearby.
KRONA (muffled voice)
Juan! Prince Lira. It's Krona. Pick up your magic mirror. This is important.
Juan continues playing.
KRONA (muffled voice continues)
Juan, you little weasel. I know you're there. Pick up!
Juan finishes his game. (Apparently he "died" in the game.) He puts down the game and picks up the mirror. He uses the mirror like a picture phone. Lights up on opposite side of stage to reveal Krona talking to Juan via her wall mirror.
JUAN
Krona, you old witch, I almost got the world's record playing Super Mario Sisters.
KRONA (normal voice)
What are you talking about?
JUAN
Super Mario Sisters: it's a magical game where these nuns are battling dinosaurs--
KRONA
Enough of that, you chucklehead. I'm going to come through the mirror to you, so stand out of the way.
Juan holds the mirror at arm's length. Krona passes through the mirror to Juan's room. As she does, a lighting/smoke effect simulates the magical transportation.
JUAN
These magic mirrors of yours are so cool. You can see and talk to each other at long distances, and you can even step through them to where the other person is. I want one installed in every damsel's room.
KRONA
I can't believe what a slimeball you are. I conjure up the most amazing invention the world has ever seen, and you want to use it to be a Peeping Tom. You can put the mirror down now, Juan. And don't break it, or you'll have 700 years bad luck.
Juan puts the mirror on the table and starts to pick up the game, but Krona slaps his hand. Juan leaves the game and steps back.
KRONA (continues)
King Kudos has announced a contest, and the prize is Princess Harmony.
JUAN
Oh good, I'd like to enter that.
KRONA
You idiot! Before this contest came up, you were the only possible suitor for the princess. Kudos is saying to the world that he doesn't want his daughter marrying into the ruling family of Costa Fortuna. In other words, he doesn't want you for a son-in-law.
JUAN
Does this mean that I'm not going to be rich and powerful beyond my wildest dreams like you said I'd be?
KRONA
No, it just means that we have to take action, or you're going to have to start working for a living.
JUAN
You said it was some sort of contest. Why don't you just arrange for me to win?
KRONA
I could easily rig the contest. That's not the problem. But to win, you'd have to be a citizen of Domania. Only citizens can enter the contest, and you, my friend, couldn't even get a green card in that country. No, we need a way to make sure she doesn't marry anyone but you.
JUAN
We could lock her in a dungeon. That would take her out of circulation.
KRONA
That's an idea, but... not a dungeon. A woman would be more responsive to a beautiful villa overlooking the Curran Sea.
JUAN
I've got a beautiful villa.
KRONA
Yes, you do. And if she's here in Costa Fortuna, she can't marry some guy in Domania, can she? A romantic seaside vacation, a magic potion, and a lot of coercion should get her to change her mind about you.
JUAN
You're going to bring her here?
KRONA
No, Prince Lira, you are.
JUAN
I don't want to go all the way to Domania. Why can't you just bring her here by magic?
KRONA
If it were that simple - if I could get her here with just a wave of my magic wand - why would I have invented the magic mirrors?
JUAN
Gee, somebody didn't get her nap this afternoon. How about this: make me irresistible to women, so they'll do what I want even if I don't threaten to kill them.
KRONA
[flatly] Nobody has that much magic. But I'll give you some sleeping potion.
JUAN
Oh, I don't have any problem sleeping.
KRONA
It's not for you, birdbrain. You put the potion in your ring and scratch the princess with it. She'll be asleep almost instantly.
JUAN
Oh, I see, but I don't think old King Kudos will let me get close to his daughter.
KRONA
You'll go disguised as Prince Rubles, a mysterious potentate from the east.
JUAN
What's a potentate?
KRONA
If I told you, it wouldn't be mysterious, now would it? Okay, here's what you do...
Fade out.
Scene Four
Woods near White Castle.
Mark is walking through the forest. He acts as if he has heard a sound. He looks around apprehensively.
MARK
What was that? [to any unseen villains] I am a poor traveler, just passing through these woods. Is anyone there? I've heard that strange creatures live in Holly Woods, but so far I haven't seen anyone. That's fine with me. If you can hear me, I'd be happy to meet you. If there's no one out there, we really don't have to meet. If you're a wolf or a bear or some other sports team mascot, I'm a big fan; I have season tickets for all the games.
Mark reacts as he hears someone walking toward him.
MARK (continues)
[to himself] Now, that time I definitely heard something. Someone's coming from the direction of White Castle. Have courage, Mark. It's no worse than that first Kiwanis meeting.
A knight enters. He is babying a bruised arm. He looks up and sees Mark.
VISS
Stranger!
MARK
No, I'd say you're stranger.
VISS
How many knights have you seen today?
MARK
I haven't seen a night all day.
VISS
I'm a knight. Sir Viss with a smile.
Mark bows as he introduces himself.
MARK
I am a humble merchant, Mark Guilderand, at your service, Sir Viss. Do you have news of White Castle?
VISS
Where do you think I got this nasty bruise? We had a force of seven knights, two strong knights and five weak knights. Sir Mise thought that the ogre would be guarding the gate, but after some reconnaissance, Sir Valence saw that the beast was alone inside the palace. Sir Round covered the back of the castle while the rest of us planned the attack. Sir Cusperade wanted to make a big show out of our arrival, but Sir Prize thought we should be surreptitious.
MARK
Who's he?
VISS
Who's who?
MARK
Sir Eptitious?
VISS
Oh, no, "surreptitious" isn't a person. Surreptitious means we should be sneaky and attack without warning. So that's what we did. Sir Charge led the attack. It was certainly a battle for survival.
MARK
So, did he win?
VISS
Who?
MARK
Sir Vival.
VISS
There's no one named Sir Vival. I'm talking about staying alive. You know, survival.
MARK
Sorry. Is the ogre dead?
VISS
That's what I'm trying to tell you. He's very much alive. He scattered our force to the seven winds. I don't think there's a weapon on earth that could even pierce his skin. It's like rock.
MARK
So all of you failed to remove the ogre?
VISS
Let's not get surly, sir ...but, yes, we failed. I guess seven knights makes one weak. And what of you? What are you doing here in the forest?
MARK
I, too, am vying for the hand of the Princess. I intend to rid this land of the ogre.
VISS
But that's crazy! You'll never defeat that monster. It's suicide.
MARK
You're probably right, but I have to try.
VISS
If Sir Ender were here, he'd tell you to give up. But I admire your courage. Besides, you might not even make it to the castle. There are some really strange creatures in these woods.
MARK
I know. I've already seen one.
VISS
Well, good luck and Godspeed to you, Master Guilderand. I must get to the hospital and see if Sir Gengeneral can fix me up.
MARK
Farewell, and thank you for the news, Sir Viss.
Viss waves a casual goodbye as he exits. It apparently hurts his bruise because he winces and babies it. As soon as Viss leaves, Mark is anxious about a rustling in the bushes. Boo, a fairy who looks like a little girl, emerges from the underbrush.
BOO
I didn't mean to eavesdrop. Well, actually I did mean to eavesdrop; I've been following you for a while. Anyway, I heard you talking to that warrior. Well, maybe 'warrior' is too strong a word for him. Anyway, I thought the time was right to introduce myself to you, Master Guilderand. My name is Boo.
MARK
Boo?
Boo jumps back, startled.
BOO
Yes.
MARK
You mean like the little girl in Monsters, Inc.?
BOO
No, I'm not at all like the little girl in Monsters, Inc.
MARK
Except that you have the same name...
BOO
I do not. Her name is [sharply] Boo!! My name is [softly] Boooo.
MARK
Well, I'm pleased to meet you, Boo.
Boo jumps again.
BOO
Why don't you call me Nose? Some of my friends call me Nose.
MARK
Why do they call you Nose?
BOO
Who knows? Maybe it's because I used to do a little acting, and it's not good when people call your name from the audience. "Boooo!"
MARK
What is a little girl doing in this dangerous forest?
BOO
I'm a fairy!
Mark seems at a loss for an answer.
MARK
You're a fairy?
BOO
That's right, and proud of it.
MARK
I can see that.
Mark notices her tail and gently lifts it into her view.
MARK (continues)
And I suppose this is your...
MARK and BOO at the same time
...fairy tail.
Mark nods.
MARK
I'm on a dangerous quest. I think you'd better go back to your parents.
BOO
Parents?
MARK
You do have parents, don't you?
BOO
Yes, but I'm a hundred and forty-two years old. My parents made it clear that I should be out on my own by now. What do you want with White Castle? And why would you want to hurt Fluffy?
MARK
The ogre's name is Fluffy? You mean like the 3-headed guard dog in Harry Potter?
BOO
Nothing like that. He only has one head, and he's not a dog.
MARK
Oh, well, I don't want to hurt him. I just want him to move out of the castle. I was hoping to make a deal with him.
BOO
Oooo, what kind of a deal? Gin Rummy? Crazy Eights?
MARK
Not that kind of deal. I meant an agreement, a contract. I give him something, and he gives me something. A win-win situation promoting good will through commerce.
BOO
Sounds like a Kiwanis meeting. Maybe we should be wearing nametags with our nicknames in quotation marks. Anyway, if you're not going to hurt Fluffy, I'll go with you. Maybe I can help. I know a little magic. I can make flowers bloom on command. Well, maybe that wouldn't help against an ogre, but it couldn't hurt.
MARK
I would welcome your company. This forest seems pretty lonely.
BOO
Holly Woods can be a lonely place. Just be glad that it isn't Tiger Woods.
Mark and Boo continue toward White Castle. Fade out. End of Scene 4.
Continue to Scene Five
Copyright © 2003 William Armstrong
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