Well, I'll Be

Well, I'll Be	List of Plays
A Family Drama in One Act by William Armstrong

Susie is a 10-year-old girl wearing pajamas and sitting in her bed (stage right). Her grandmother (Gram) sits in a chair next to the head of the bed. The other half of the stage is dark.

SUSIE

Is this like magic? Are you a fairy godmother or something?

GRAM

I’m your real grandmother. You know that. But this is kind of a magical power I have. You tell me what you want to be when you grow up, and I’ll show you how it will probably work out. You’re going to see and smell and feel yourself all grown up doing the job. And watch out, because there are always a few surprises.

SUSIE

I’ve been thinking about it all week. I know which ones I’m going to ask for.

GRAM

Well, I’m ready when you are. What shall we start with?

SUSIE

I’d like to be a model, you know, like a fashion model.

GRAM

Okay, let’s take a look.

Lights up on stage left. We see Sue (a 25-year-old version of Susie). She is wearing sportswear (not very glamorous). She is posing for an unseen cameraman offstage. He takes three or four flash pictures, and the session is over. Sue stands waiting for more instructions.

SUSIE

Wow! That’s me? I’m a model? How come my clothes are so ordinary?

GRAM

That’s called sportswear. You’re going to be in the J.C. Penney catalog. This is really a very good job for a model.

SUSIE

We’re not on the beach, are we?

GRAM

No, you’re just in the photographer’s studio. If they need to make it look like you’re on the beach, they can fake it with a computer.

SUSIE

Something smells good! Hey, there’s a whole table of yummy stuff. I can take anything I want, can’t I?

GRAM

Yes and no. The photographer provides that food for the models and the crew, but most of it you can’t eat.

SUSIE

Why not?

GRAM

You have to stay on a very strict diet. You need to be very skinny if you want to keep modeling. In fact, you probably need to lose another ten pounds right now.

Sue and Susie both cast a dirty look at Gram.

SUSIE

I’m not fat.

GRAM

The camera makes you look fatter than you are. You can have the bottled water and the celery sticks and that sort of thing.

SUSIE

Thanks a lot. I guess I need to go change my clothes. Can I wear something glamorous this time?

Sue exits and lights dim on stage left.

GRAM

Not this time. Very few people buy glamorous clothes; so most of the modeling work is for ordinary clothes. Sometimes, when they’re advertising perfume or jewelry, you can wear glamorous outfits.

SUSIE

Okay, that was fun, but I really like to eat; so let’s try something else.

GRAM

What will it be this time?

SUSIE

Why don’t I try being a singer?

GRAM

Okay, singers don’t have to stay quite as thin as models. Let’s make you a singer.

Lights up on Susan (a 55-year-old version of Susie) who is making phone calls at a desk.

SUSIE

Wait a minute. That’s me?

GRAM

Yes.

SUSIE

But I’m old! And I’m not singing.

GRAM

Even singers don’t sing all the time. And what do you mean by "old"?

SUSIE

You’ve made me older than Mommy!

GRAM

Well, Honey, you’ll need to make a living until you’re 65 or so. Your mother isn’t even half way through her working years. She’s still pretty young.

Susie looks horrified at the thought that her mother is young.

GRAM (continued)

At what age does a person become "old"?

Susie isn’t sure. She ventures a guess.

SUSIE

30?

GRAM

Well, if 30 is old, you need to know that you’re going to be "old" much longer than you’re going to be young. So you’ll want to pick a career that will put food on the table you when you’re old, too.

SUSIE

Okay. So, what am I doing? Am I singing over the phone?

GRAM

No, you’re trying to arrange some singing jobs: church solos, weddings, funerals...

SUSIE

Funerals?! People don’t sing at funerals, do they?

GRAM

Well, sure, Honey. A professional singer has to get work wherever she can.

SUSIE

I don’t want to be that kind of singer. I want to be a young rock singer.

Lights down on Susan. Susan exits.

GRAM

My fault, I should have known. Let’s try a rock singer.

Lights up as Sue enters wearing a rock singer’s costume. The room is a nightclub. It is dimly lit; a mirror ball casts reflections on the wall. She sings the last few bars of a current rock hit. She then sits at a ringside table and waits. She has a head shot and a manila envelope.

SUSIE

All right! I’m young and I’m singing. [makes a face] What's that smell?

GRAM

That’s nightclub smell: mostly cigarette smoke, alcohol, perfume, a few other things.

SUSIE

Well, at least this time I got to sing.

GRAM

Actually, you’re auditioning. Rock music is a very competitive field. You’re trying to get a break. You’re delivering your picture and your demo CD to the club’s manager. You’ve got to get yourself known, find someone who can help you get to be famous.

SUSIE

You mean I have to spend all my time handing out sample CD’s and just hope that someone will like it?

GRAM

Well, there are some other ways, but I’m not going to show those to you.

SUSIE

Why can’t you just make me a successful singer from the start?

Lights down on Sue.

GRAM

Well, I could, but...

SUSIE

Let’s try that. Make me a famous rock singer - and not old, either.

GRAM

We’ll give it a try.

Lights up on Sue who is still in the rock singer’s costume. She sits relaxed, alone, and distracted, eyes unfocused.

SUSIE

I feel ...funny. What’s happening to me?

GRAM

You’re feeling the effect of drugs, Honey.

SUSIE

I wouldn’t use drugs, Gram.

GRAM

When you became a successful entertainer, you just thought you’d try them a couple of times to see what they’re like.

SUSIE

Well, I don’t like this. Please take away the drugs.

GRAM

Alright, Sweetheart, but...

Sue and Susie convulse in pain. Sue moans. Susie screams.

SUSIE

Aaack! Argh! The pain! What are you doing?

GRAM

You’re addicted to the drugs. When they’re not there, you have withdrawal symptoms.

SUSIE

Stop it! Stop the pain.

GRAM

Okay.

Lights down on Sue. Sue exits.

SUSIE

You hurt me, Gram. I never thought you’d do that to me.

GRAM

I’m sorry, Susie. I should have warned you before I let you try that one.

SUSIE

Isn’t it possible to be a success without using drugs?

GRAM

Sure it is, but I’m dealing with probabilities here. Even I don’t have complete control over what you’re going to experience. I’m really sorry. Maybe we should quit for a while.

SUSIE

You didn’t do that just to teach me a lesson, did you?

GRAM

No, but I should have guessed it would happen. We should probably call it quits for tonight.

SUSIE

Oh, no, Gram, I know you didn’t mean to hurt me. Let’s keep going. We’ll both be careful. Let’s do a couple more.

GRAM

Okay, what would you like to try next? Do you want to be a teacher?

SUSIE

No way! I don’t want to be a teacher.

GRAM

They have a good retirement plan and a strong union, but if you don’t like it, let’s try something else. How about a computer programmer?

SUSIE

Are you kidding?

GRAM

You don’t like computers?

SUSIE

Computers are okay, I guess. I just don’t want to be like Kevin or be around people like Kevin.

GRAM

Kevin likes computers?

SUSIE

Kevin is a computer.

GRAM

I get the message: no computer programming. How about an insurance agent?

SUSIE

Gram! Stop being ridiculous.

GRAM

Sorry. I’ll stop making suggestions. Just tell me what you want.

SUSIE

How about an archeologist?

GRAM

Oh, I’m impressed. Okay, let’s try an archeologist.

Lights up on Susan dressed in tan shorts and short sleeve shirt. She wears a pith helmet. She uses a handkerchief to dry her neck and face as she walks to a dig site and kneels on a pad.

SUSIE

I’m old again.

GRAM

I thought we settled that. Besides, some of the best archeologists are older people.

Susie fans her face with her hand.

SUSIE

Gee, it’s really hot. Where am I?

GRAM

You’re looking for evidence of an ancient city in the Middle East. You’re in the desert. It’s almost always hot here.

SUSIE

Is that why I’m so slow right now? …or is it because I’m old? I feel like I’m moving in slow motion.

GRAM

It’s nothing to worry about. You’re just being careful not to miss anything as you sift through the dirt.

SUSIE

So I’m looking in the dirt for old cities?

GRAM

Sort of.

Lights down on Susan. Susan exits.

SUSIE

Can you show me what I’d be like as a young archeologist?

GRAM

Sure, but you really need to get over your prejudice against being old. When you get old, you’re still going to be "you".

SUSIE

Well, I’d rather be young. But I’ll say one thing: When you made me old, I wasn’t as scared or nervous. That was kind of a good feeling.

GRAM

That’s very perceptive of you, Susie. Good. Shall we try a young archeologist?

Lights up on Sue who is sitting at a table in a library reading a textbook.

SUSIE

Now, what am I doing?

GRAM

You’re in the library, studying. You see, when you’re young, you spend most of your time learning about archeology; so you can do it when you get older.

SUSIE

When is something going to happen?

GRAM

Sh! In a moment. Keep watching. Here it comes. Now.

Sue turns the page and continues reading.

SUSIE

Turning a page? You call that "something happening"?

GRAM

Actually, reading and understanding the book is more important than turning the page, but I thought you meant something you could see.

SUSIE

Hmph! This book is really boring. How much longer do I read?

GRAM

Oh, quite a while. And you take notes, too.

SUSIE

When do I get outside? When do I look for ancient treasure? Where are the traps and bad guys?

GRAM

Traps and bad guys?

SUSIE

Indiana Jones hunts for treasures, but there’re always traps and bad guys.

GRAM

I don’t think that’s much like real life. In fact, I can only think of one archeologist who ever found what you’d call treasure. Most of them just work in libraries or comb the dirt for bones or bits of pottery.

Sue pulls an old map out of the book and unfolds it. She stands and leans over the table to examine the map carefully.

SUSIE

Aha! What’s this? A map. I love maps. I love to pretend that I’m traveling to all those places.

GRAM

Imagination can make any job an adventure. You need a good imagination to be an archeologist.

SUSIE

Well, it’s not quite what I thought it was, but it might still be fun.

Lights down on Sue. Sue exits.

GRAM

Do you want to try any more?

SUSIE

I’d like to help people. Can you make me a doctor?

GRAM

I think that can be arranged.

Lights up on Susan. She is dressed in a doctor’s lab coat. She is writing and reviewing notes on a clipboard.

SUSIE

I’m in an office.

GRAM

Before you say anything about being old, let me tell you that you can’t be a young doctor. To be a doctor you have to go to school for eight or ten years. If I made you young, you’d still be in school.

SUSIE

I wasn’t going to say anything about being old. So what do I do as a doctor?

GRAM

You spend about half your time seeing patients and about half your time writing reports and filling out paperwork.

SUSIE

Do I cut people open?

GRAM

I made you a family doctor, but I could make you a surgeon if you'd like.

SUSIE

No, that’s okay. I don’t think I’d like all the blood. It’s not so bad on TV, but you make everything so realistic.

GRAM

Doctors have to be able to tolerate blood. You’ve got to deal with people who are sick and hurt. You’ve got to be strong and confident at all times.

SUSIE

That makes me feel good. I’m proud of what I do. I only wish I didn’t have all this paperwork to do. Wow! Eight years of school?

Lights down on Susan. Susan exits.

SUSIE (continued)

Let’s try something else. I want to try something exciting, something dangerous, I guess. Is it too dangerous to be a police officer?

GRAM

The exciting moments are usually the dangerous moments. I’ve already hurt you once tonight; I don’t want to do that again. Vice might be kind of exciting, but let’s try Homicide. You can track down killers, but they probably won’t shoot at you.

Lights up on Sue. She is in civilian clothes at the scene of a crime. She uses tweezers to put a tiny piece of evidence into a plastic bag. She examines things and takes notes.

SUSIE

Someone was killed, and I’m trying to figure out who did it.

GRAM

Yes, but you have to do more than that. You have to prove that he did it. You have to show the jury that the murderer couldn’t be anyone else.

SUSIE

That sounds hard, but I don’t want the bad guys to get away with murder. Do I have to go to the funerals?

GRAM

No, I don’t think so.

SUSIE

Good! Then I don’t have to listen to anybody singing.

Susie smiles broadly at Gram.

GRAM

Well, Inspector, do you want to keep collecting clues or go back to the office?

SUSIE

Can we chase some bad guys?

GRAM

Maybe next time. I don’t think I can control the outcome right now.

SUSIE

Okay, I’m willing to stop for tonight.

Lights down on Sue. Sue exits.

SUSIE (continued)

Did you ever do this with Mommy?

GRAM

You mean: Did I ever show her different things she could do for a career?

SUSIE

I know you didn’t or she wouldn’t be a bookkeeper now.

GRAM

You act as if being a bookkeeper is some horrible thing.

SUSIE

It’s not horrible. It’s just boring. How could she spend her whole life doing something boring?

GRAM

Your mother doesn’t have all the choices that we did tonight. She doesn’t have a college degree, so she can’t be a doctor or an archeologist or anything like that. She’s not a model, a singer, or an actress. If she took a dangerous job, she’d worry about who would take care of you if something happened to her. Besides, you didn’t try being a bookkeeper. You might find it interesting.

SUSIE

Yeah, right.

GRAM

And there’s something else. Your mother wants to spend more time with you. She can make a living as a bookkeeper and still have plenty of time to be with you.

SUSIE

Yeah, well, I want a job that’s exciting. A job where I can be a hero.

GRAM

Hmmm, what is a hero?

SUSIE

Gram, you know what a hero is.

GRAM

I know what I think a hero is, but what do you think a hero is?

SUSIE

Someone who fights bad guys, I guess.

GRAM

And who are these bad guys?

SUSIE

Well, terrorists or drug dealers...

GRAM

So you have to be a police officer to be a hero? That’s one kind of hero, but what about firefighters who rescue people from burning buildings? Are they heroes, too?

SUSIE

Yeah, sure. Firefighters are real heroes.

GRAM

So heroes are people who risk their lives to save other people?

SUSIE

Right. That’s what heroes are.

GRAM

So if people actually give their lives to help other people, would they be heroes?

SUSIE

Yes, but I don’t want to die just to be a hero. Can’t I be a live hero?

GRAM

Of course you can. That’s what your mother is.

SUSIE

[laughs] What are you talking about? She doesn’t do anything dangerous. You said so yourself.

GRAM

A hero doesn’t have to do dangerous things; a hero has to be willing to give up her life for someone else. That’s exactly what your mother has done.

SUSIE

What do you mean "give up her life"? Mommy’s still alive.

GRAM

Oh yes, she’s very much alive, but she works all day as a bookkeeper. She gave up any chance of a glamorous job so she could raise you. She can’t pick you up from day care every day if she’s touring the country as a singer or searching for mummies in Egypt. She can’t take a dangerous job where she might leave you as an orphan. No, she gave it all up to be with you.

SUSIE

[teary] I didn’t want to ruin her life.

Gram comforts Susie.

GRAM

Oh, no, Honey, you didn’t ruin her life. It’s just the opposite. You brought joy into her life. She loves you very much and wants to take care of you. She wants to help you have a wonderful life. We both do.

SUSIE

What if I have a baby? What would my life be like then?

GRAM

There are a million different things that could happen. Maybe next time we could explore some of those. But now, why don’t you get some sleep?

Gram tucks Susie into bed.

SUSIE

Good night, Grandma. Thank you.

GRAM

Good night, Sweetheart.

Gram starts to leave, but turns back.

GRAM (continued)

Oh, I never answered that question about your mother. You wanted to know if I had ever showed her what her life could be like in different jobs. The answer is "yes". We’ve done it quite a few times. In fact, we did it just last month. Susie.

Susie seems to be asleep already.

GRAM (continued)

Sweet dreams.

Gram kisses Susie lightly and exits. Fade out. Curtain.

A Family Drama in One Act by William Armstrong