Glama, Act I, Scene 4

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A Full Length Musical Comedy by William Armstrong

Scene Four
Hotel poolside lounge, Saturday afternoon
Lights come up on hotel lounge where Glama Tours is holding a champagne reception for this week's tour. Guests are milling around with fluted glasses. Most are wearing nametags. Tony, dressed as a bellboy, approaches Jeff with a tray of six fluted glasses (full).
TONY
Here you are, Mr. Carson. They look just like the champagne glasses, but they have non-alcoholic apple cider.
JEFF
Thanks, Tony. It looks like I've got one taker right now.
Jeff picks up one of the glasses of apple cider and walks to Janet (who has no glass in her hand).
JEFF (continued)
Janet, I think you said that champagne didn't agree with you. Would you like some apple cider?
JANET
Could I get a Coke instead? And, I don't want to be a pest, but the hotel only gave us one key to our room. Could we get two of them, please?
Marcy enters, sees Jeff, and points her camcorder at him. Lights change to show what she's taping.
JEFF
Sure, I can get you a couple of keys. ...and the Coke, too.
JANET
Can I have a couple of little straws for the Coke?
JEFF
Certainly. I can easily do that, and don't hesitate to ask me for the hard stuff, if you need anything else.
Jeff goes to Tony and whispers something to him. Tony exits. Jeff sees Kelli enter. He crosses quickly to her. Jeff takes the champagne glass that Kelli has just picked up. He replaces it with the glass of cider.
JEFF (continued)
Iíll make a deal with you, Kelli. It has to do with alcohol...
Someone steps directly in front of Marcy, which ends her videotaping. Lights change back to normal.
JEFF (continued)
I know that you're only 16 years old, but I'll keep it secret from everyone here if you promise not to drink or do anything that could hurt the hotel. They could lose their liquor license serving alcohol to minors.
Kelli pauses to think.
KELLI
Okay, I wonít do anything to get the hotel in trouble.
JEFF
Thank you, Kelli. I know most of this tourist stuff is pretty boring for you, but I thought of something you might enjoy. I heard that you're a fan of "Buffy, the Vampire Slayer". Well, James Marsters frequents a club in Santa Monica called 14 Below. You couldn't go inside, but I could get someone to take you down there when James usually comes by. He's pretty good about talking to fans, signing autographs, and that sort of thing. Would you be interested?
KELLI
Well, sure. What are the chances I'd actually meet him?
JEFF
Good question. I'd say about 75% if you go at the right time.
KELLI
That would be great.
JEFF
Okay, I'll arrange it.
Jeff looks across the room at Claire. She picks up an hors díoeuvre and speaks to Herb.
CLAIRE
I didn't say I was trying to diet. I said I was dying to try it.
An unattached, 60-ish woman (Dawn) grabs Jeff's arm and pulls him aside for a private remark.
DAWN
I wonder if you'd kind of make eyes at me... you know, to make my husband a little jealous.
JEFF
Dawn, I thought you were a widow.
DAWN
I am, but he's always watching - up there.
Dawn points up toward heaven. Jeff looks up then back at Dawn. Jeff winks and pats Dawn's hand.
JEFF
I'll do what I can.
Jeff moves to center stage and calls for the group's attention. Tony enters unnoticed. He gives a Coke and an extra key to Janet.
JEFF (continued)
Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention please? Let me make a couple of introductions. I think I've met everyone. My name's Jeff. I'll be your tour guide. This is Angel; he'll be driving your couch this week. You won't find a better driver anywhere. And that young man is Tony, one of the hotel staff dedicated to your comfort. Let me welcome you all to Glama Tours.
Music begins for "Welcome to Los Angeles".
JEFF (continued)
Welcome to Los Angeles. It's fun. It's wild, and I'll be your guide.
I can make your man jealous. It's easy, ladies, stay by my side.
But hang on to that guy of yours.
At ev'ry stop, temptation lures.
He's gonna see harlots and movie starlets
Here on GLAMA Tours.

Southern California: The sea and surf will work its romance.
Don't say I'm not warnin' ya. Against its magic you have no chance.
So stretch out on that golden sand
Where ev'ry beach is lifeguard-manned.
If you like bikinis on cute wahinis,
You'll love LA-LA Land.

Shopping opportunities abound in lovely Beverly Hills.
Ladies, you are soon at ease, while husbands only dread all the bills.
Rodeo Drive, Olvera Street,
At Farmers' Market stop and eat.
Our credit cards free us at gallerias.
Buy yourself a treat.

Entertainment capital: there's movies, music, sports, and TV.
You won't need a map at all. To see the stars just leave it to me.
Champions of basketball.
A famous singer's curtain call.
From Hollywood moguls to gorgeous show girls.
We will see them all. It can all be yours, here on GLAMA Tours.
Jeff holds up an itinerary as he addresses the group.
JEFF (continued)
I hope everyone got an itinerary. Tonight is Saturday, and we're going to see Hollywood after dark. Brace yourselves. They don't call it Hollyweird for nothing. Tomorrow is Sunday. You'll have free time until 3 o'clock. If we have enough people who want to attend the Crystal Cathedral, we'll get a van. If not, I'll arrange other transportation for those who want to go. The Farrells are going to Pat Boone's church, in case anyone else wants to tag along.
RUTH
Oh, Pat Boone was a hunk. Sign me up for that.
MARCY
I thought you were Jewish.
RUTH
Hey, I'm on vacation. Besides, Jesus was Jewish.
ZITA
Are you sure? Why does he have a Mexican name?
JEFF
Tomorrow afternoon we'll head for the beach and watch the sun set into the Pacific from one of the great seafood restaurants on the West Coast. Monday we'll see some sights of old Los Angeles, including Olvera Street. Tuesday is Disneyland.
ZITA
Iíve been to Disney World. Is it the same?
JEFF
They're not exactly the same, but they're similar. You can substitute Knott's Berry Farm.
ZITA
What's there to do at Nut's Fairy Barn?
JEFF
Uh... Knott's - Berry - Farm has shows and amusement park rides based on early California themes. And they're famous for their boysenberry pie and home-style cooking. Wednesday we'll go to Beverly Hills and Rodeo Drive. If you're not into mega-shopping, you can go to the J. Paul Getty Museum instead.
HERB
[whispers to Claire] Did he say "A Spaghetti Museum"?
CLAIRE
[whispers to Herb] You only wish! Now, hush!
JEFF
Many people tell me that one of their favorite parts of the tour is Wednesday night when you can perform at a real Hollywood nightclub. I've arranged to get you access to the club tomorrow about noon. You can talk to the owner and check out the stage. You can even rehearse if you want to. Now, Don has a skit he wants to do, and he's looking for people to star in his show. Don, can you raise your hand please?
Dawn raises her hand with gusto. Don raises his hand more slowly.
JEFF (continued)
[to Dawn] Sorry, Dawn. I meant for Don Richards to raise his hand.
DAWN
I heard you. I'm just volunteering to be in his show.
JEFF
[to Dawn] Well, good for you! [to the group] Anyone else who's interested, talk to Don. It sounds like a lot of fun.
On Thursday, we'll tour a real working movie studio. And Thursday night is usually the best time to be the "live audience" when they tape a television show. "Recorded Live" - I could never quite understand that phrase. Anyway, if you don't go to a taping, the rest of us are going to have a great time at Universal City Walk.
Friday we'll catch all of the other sights in Los Angeles and have a night out on the town. Let me know if I can arrange any special side tours for you. Glama Tours wants this to be the best vacation you've ever had.
Tony addresses the tour. He directs most of his attention to Kelli.
TONY
And let me know if there is anything I can do to make your stay more enjoyable.
JEFF
Thank you, Tony. [to the group] Dinner will be served in about 10 minutes, but be ready to board the coach at 7 o'clock. We've got a lot of Hollywood to see tonight.
Several people crowd around Jeff to ask questions. Tony takes a last look at Kelli before going back to work. Lights fade out.


Continue to Scene Five

Copyright © 2003 William Armstrong



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