Glama bus at hotel
Lights come up. We are looking in through the front windshield of the tour bus parked at the hotel. Angel is taking a nap in his driver's seat. Tony, the hotel bellboy, enters.
Angel jumps a little as he wakes.
Whoa! I'm sorry I interrupted your beauty sleep. It looks like I'm not the first. Jeff asked me to tell you that he'd be a couple of minutes late.
You broke off my siesta to tell me that?
Hey, I'm just trying to help. Angel, what's the story with Kelli?
She likes to sing, I think.
No wedding ring. Traveling alone. What's up?
Don't ask me. I'm way too married to think about things like that.
Címon, Angel, havenít you ever given in to temptation?
When you get to be my age, temptation starts avoiding you.
Well, all right. Are you ready to show your guests the best of our fair city?
Ha! "Our fair city"? At the start of every tour -- at those Saturday receptions -- Jeff hypnotizes them with the fantasy L.A. Just once Iíd like to tell them about the real Los Ahn-hell-ous.
Angel steps down out of the bus. He sings to Tony and an imaginary tour group. Music begins for reprise of Welcome to Los Angeles
Welcome to LOS ANGHELIS. We love our little hometown to death.
Wonder what that strong smell is? Itís smog. Go on and take a deep breath.
Our freeways are like parking lots
With drivers all tied up in knots.
Their language is graphic. Thereís too much traffic.
Watch for pistol shots.
Southern California: forget the hype. It ainít no great shakes.
Use the sense that born in ya. Thereís wildfires, mudslides, and quakes.
They spray graffiti on the grime.
Our neighborhoods are wracked with crime.
Thereís gonna be lootings and drive-by shootings.
Have a gay old time.
We live in a quiet neighborhood. Everyone uses silencers.
Shopping opportunities: we love to help you part with your cash.
Stores are filled with loony sleaze, where you can spend a ton in a flash.
The hicks stock up on souvenirs
On sale from heartless profiteers.
They load up on knickknacks while we get kickbacks.
Letís all give three cheers.
Entertainment capital: we go out on celebrity hunts.
Donít believe that crap at all. Iíve never seen a star even once.
The tourists on the ĎWalk of Fameí
Donít recognize a single name.
We take all the crackpots to movie backlots.
Donít believe our claim. It will not be yours, here on GLAMA Tours.
Donít let Jeff hear you saying that stuff.
Any job worth doing is worth complaining about. After all, itís my job to drive the customers away.
Oh, I forgot. Jeff wanted to know if you fixed the armrest on the seat where Ruth Gold sits. He said she was complaining that there was a crack in the vinyl that kept pinching her arm.
I'll tell Jeff.
Tony exits. Angel sings to himself as he tries to get comfortable in his seat for another little nap.
"We take all the crackpots to movie back lots. Here on Glama Tours"
Jeff and Ruth enter to board the bus. Angel sits up as people begin boarding. Marcy slips into the scene and points camcorder at Jeff. Lights change to show what she's taping.
The pain was in my arm, just shooting up my arm. Is there going to be any crack today?
It's all taken care of, Ruth. You should be feeling fine from now on. Glama Tours never wants you to have a bad trip.
Ruth boards the bus. Jeff stands at the door to greet other passengers. Janet approaches with Sam trailing behind. Jeff reaches into his pocket and removes a baggie of white powder. He surreptitiously shows it to Janet.
I got what you asked for. I can get you some more if you need it.
Oh, thank you, Jeff. How much do I owe you?
Janet puts the baggie into her purse.
Itís all part of the service. What are you reading today, Sam?
Zita enters wearing a colorful beret.
Itís a book that your friend Sean loaned me: "1001 Amish Zingers and Put-Downs".
Janet and Sam board the bus. Marcy stops taping. Lights change back to normal.
That fellow Sean is not like normal people, not like you and me. He marches to the beat of a dead horse.
Uh... a horse of a different feather.
My sediments exactly.
Did you get a good nightís sleep, Zita?
Morning certainly came around quickly. That wake-up call really scared the daylights into me. Where are we going today?
We're going to see where Los Angeles was born: a little pueblo in Spanish California. And you said you wanted some souvenirs... today is probably your best chance to get some bargains.
Wonderful. [to Angel] Now, Angel, youíre going to obey all the traffic laws, arenít you?
Senorita Zita, in Los Angeles drivers donít even obey the laws of physics.
My motto is: If Angel wants to drive the coach, I wonít stand in his way.
Zita boards the bus. Other tour members board the bus as lights fade out.
Continue to Scene Seven
Copyright © 2003 William Armstrong
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